Wow!  Is that all of us, I thought? I really appreciate you putting me in one huge group and labelling us all under the same bracket.

However, it then got me thinking about my own parents and my own parenting, and things I think we do better now but some things I don’t think we did as well as them.

Is there an element of truth in the above and what is the impact on that in raising young performers?

Do we have to support young performers who are trying to achieve at the highest levels differently to societal norms, as elements of performance haven’t changed?

Modern parenting can often feel like coaching in a big game. We feel under pressure, surrounded by competition, and constantly told that if we don’t push hard enough, our kids will “get left behind.”

Many parents we speak to share their late-night thoughts including their anxieties and how they worry about the choices they are making whilst second-guessing themselves when they hear others are doing something different.

Sporting programmes can inadvertently magnify this pressure even more.

But here’s the catch: some of today’s parenting habits—though well-intentioned—are the very things we may look back on and later regret, if we haven’t really thought things through.

Here are a few of the things that crop up during our sessions: (there are many more)

Over scheduling and Overtraining

This is a tough one. A number one answer in our sessions from parents of when they find sports parenting challenging is balancing logistics. Let’s be clear, to be good at something there will certainly have to be commitment and at times it may feel relentless.

Some parents whose children are excelling at a young age may not have a choice depending on where they live and the demands of the programmes they are involved with.

However, we need to be wary that everything over a 12-month period needs some balance. This includes trying to facilitate family time, holidays and the pursuit of other hobbies and interests whilst ensuring enough time is given to continue to make healthy progress in the sport they may be excelling at.

Many of the world’s top performers played several sports when they were younger and not eliminating too many of these too early is sound advice.

“Michael Jordan didn’t just play basketball—he played baseball, too. That balance helped him become the athlete he was.”

However, think of Freddie Adu, once dubbed “the next Pelé.” At just 14, he signed a professional contract, played under enormous pressure, and was on every magazine cover. By 22, he was burnt out, his love for the game diminished.

Parents often say later, ‘I wish we had slowed down a bit and made some better choices along the way.’ Hindsight can be a wonderful thing.

Defining Success by Trophies

When Serena and Venus Williams were children, their father, Richard, often told them:

“This is bigger than tennis. You’re going to change the world.”

Notice—he wasn’t talking about trophies or rankings. He framed success as effort, character, and impact.

Compare that to parents who measure every season by outcomes. I have had teenage athletes say to me, “If I don’t score, I feel like I let my parents down and they keep asking me where I think I rank on my team.” That kind of pressure doesn’t build champions—it builds anxiety.

To raise young performers, we need to be helping our children understand why they are winning and why they are achieving positive outcomes, and this comes back to the development of key character traits.

Something that is only going to happen if as parents we can help support the development of these traits through shining a light on them, reinforcing their value and discussing them with them.

The common sporting conversation and narrative of ‘did you win, did you score and how did you play compared to everyone else’ needs to have much greater depth to it as if that is the only conversation that ever takes place around young people’s sport it is unlikely to do that. It merely adds fuel to the notion that any success is purely defined by specific outcomes.

Living Through our Child’s Achievements

Andre Agassi, in his autobiography Open, recalls how his father pushed him relentlessly, even building a ball machine nicknamed “The Dragon” to feed him 2,500 balls a day. Agassi became a champion—but he also admitted he hated tennis for much of his life.

“I won matches. I earned millions. But I hated tennis.” — Andre Agassi

Many modern parents fall into the same trap: they see their child’s sport as their own second chance.

There is nothing wrong with being proud of our kids and being invested in their sport

Our young athletes thrive when we support without controlling—when kids know that this is their journey, and that we are their biggest supporters, not necessarily second coaches.

As our children get older our ability to move from the driver’s seat to the pit lane as a parent is essential to create independent, self organised and driven young people.

Forgetting the Whole Person Beyond their Sport

One of the discussions I always have with parents is along the lines of ‘What do you want for your children from their sporting experience and what will they do tomorrow if it all ends?’

Yes, young people can be all in and heavily invested in their sport, however I also know it is far easier to develop rounded individuals along the way rather than at the very end.

Many athletes have had every aspect of their life controlled to maximise their athletic future. Meals, workouts, even friendships are monitored, supposedly to meet goals or to be the perfect product of modern parenting—but the pressure can consume people and there is a dark side.

Olympian Ian Thorpe — “I felt like I was swimming for everyone else, not for me. That’s when I knew something was wrong.”

NBA Legend Larry Bird — “Push too hard and the love for the game disappears. Then it’s just work, not play.”

We are not fans of ‘Plan B’ for young people as we do not like that specific narrative, but we are fans of supporting the development of multi-faceted young people with different strings to their bow.

If you contrast some peoples experience with that of Roger Federer, whose parents encouraged him to play multiple sports until he was 12.

He credits that balance for his longevity and love of tennis.

“I was never forced to play tennis. That’s why I still love it today.” — Roger Federer

Parenting for the Long Game

Years from now, your child won’t remember all of their sporting days and their outcomes.

As we live in the moment now without a crystal ball for what the future may hold or without any guarantees that no matter what we facilitate, and our children give to their sport they may still not achieve what they are currently aspiring to. A really uncomfortable place top be as a sporting parent, but can we shift the narrative?

What we maybe can guarantee is that when it is all over, they will remember how you made them feel.

Did they feel valued, even after mistakes? Did they feel safe to fail? Did they feel supported beyond the game?

The real goal is raising a child who loves their sport, loves themselves, and carries those lessons into every corner of life.

As a big fan of the work of Michael Calvin this follows on from a similar piece that we wrote following the release of his first TV documentary ‘No Hunger in Paradise.’

The documentary interviewed numerous players, ex-players, managers and ex-managers, all of whom delivered some really poignant messages that could be taken away to help support all the key stakeholders in the sporting experience.

People interviewed in the first part of the documentary included Frank Lampard, Sam Allardyce, Jadon Sancho, Emma Hayes, Sean Dyche, Marvin Sordell, Lewin Nyatanga and Drewe Broughton.  A few of these are more well-known than others but each had an important story to tell.

Jadon Sancho kicked us off with some of his experiences of being a young player and his story of leaving Manchester City to move abroad to Germany and Borussia Dortmund and in the space of 18 months become one of the hottest properties in Europe as well as an England international.

He encouraged young players to have the courage to test themselves, move to new environments where required and perhaps be more proactive in seeking new challenges.  There is a lot of criticism labelled at U23 football in the UK that it does not really bridge the gap between youth academy football and the professional game.  It is encouraging to see that more of the top clubs are now sending players out on loan to the lower depths of the footballing pyramid, to not only gain a real-life perspective of what professional sport looks like but also throws them into different and often less comfortable environments.  This can only be of benefit to any young player both in growing as a footballer but more importantly as a person.

It was also refreshing to see him still have the sheer enjoyment of being part of the process, still wanting to play and be creative every day in training.  It is important as coaches particularly in grassroots sport that we allow these elements of play and creativity in our sessions and it was interesting to note that Germany are now suffering due to their focus on building winning teams and tactics particularly at younger ages.

There are some valuable messages here for both clubs and coaches in the types of environment that we create to help support younger players.  Are we too results driven?  Do we sometimes focus on the wrong things?

His final pieces of advice really resonated and could be so valuable to sports parents in supporting their young players.  Stay focussed, keep working hard and control your own situation.  Nothing needs to be added to this.

Next we heard from the Welsh duo of Gareth Bale and Lewin Nyatanga, both of whom played together but whose careers took very different paths.

Gareth spoke about the change from children’s sport and the fun of playing with friends and having a laugh to the pressures and some of the negatives of the professional game and how he had lost that ‘childlike feeling.’

This further back up the evidence that we already have on why children play sport in the first place.  We must understand that a child’s motivation for playing can be very different to that of an adult.  Winning and playing in tournaments based on the work of Amanda Visek is well down the list of a child’s priorities at a young age.

If we have children involved in academy or performance environments, we must do everything that we can to try and hide these pressures from our children for as long as possible and ensure that they are still finding the whole process ‘FUN.’

Gareth also spoke about how people see the ‘player not the person,’ which I guess is very much part and parcel of being in the limelight.  However, it got me thinking about the importance of all clubs and cultures working on the holistic development of young athletes and how that can be supported by clubs and parents at home.

This is something that we are working very hard with a number of National Governing Bodies on and it is pleasing to see an increase in good practice and awareness of this in a number of different sporting environments.  It is so important that we develop multi-faceted athletes who if they drop from the sporting experience are able to go out into whatever field they choose and do an excellent job as solid rounded individuals.

For parents it is really important that we do not define our children on their sporting prowess and we need to play our role in this.  We all love our children and want them to succeed, but they should be special to us because of their character and the positive impact they have on our lives, not whether they are top performers in a sporting environment.  Sometimes, these lines can become blurred and we need to take a moment as sporting parents to reflect on this.

Drewe Broughton and Marvin Sordell have done some outstanding work in raising awareness of mental health and it is so encouraging seeing so many people begin to speak out about this important issue.  Both emphasised the importance of staying true to who you as a person.  They acknowledged this is not always easy but is such a critical part of healthy development.

Do we check in with our children to ensure that they have someone that they can go and talk to?  Do we create environments within our sporting contexts where parents also feel safe in approaching the relevant people?

Many parents and children keep feelings bottled up as they worry about the implications of being honest or potentially rocking the boat within their environment.  Many live in fear that if they even speak to someone in a position of authority in their child’s life, that it may have negative ramifications for their child involved in the process.

Do we do enough as clubs to support parents and children during these moments?  Would it be wise for clubs to have someone independent who players and parents can openly communicate with?

Next up came three prominent managers in Frank Lampard,  Sean Dyche and Emma Hayes.  All who passed on some golden nuggets of information.  Frank discussed the importance of understanding the use of social media, something that should be a key part of any young players education as well as discussing ‘controlling the controllables.’

We place a large emphasis on this during our parents workshops as so many parents can invest time and energy in things that they are ultimately not in control of.

Sean Dyche spoke about how society is changing and peoples need to have some instant gratification.   Patience is a key virtue but is proving more difficult to find amongst parents and children.

We all know that sporting development is a long term journey so what impact will society change have on this process?

Both parents and children need to be aware of this and develop a love of the processes that underpin the sporting experience and ultimately this may lead to higher performance.

As coaches and organisations in youth sport will we need to have longer term goals with more instant gratification on the way as part of the process?

Emma Hayes spoke about the rise of the women’s game but the thing that really stuck out for me was recognising the difference in physiology and that the range of jumps amongst women goalkeepers was very different to that of men.  This may sound obvious but it’s the thought processes behind how we set up the games that is the key message here.

The goals in the women’s game are the same size as in the mens game, leading to goalkeepers being exposed rather than perhaps being celebrated as great goalkeepers.  Does this need to be the case, surely there is not a ‘one size fits all’ model?

It is great to finally see some sports recognising that the children’s game is very different to that of the adult game and making positive changes to ensure that sports are a user friendly experience for the consumer.  For parents and coaches, will it necessarily look like what we see on the TV?  Of course not, but it does not need to.  Our games, coaching sessions and everything around the youth sporting experience need to be engaging for young players or unfortunately the declining numbers across a number of sports will continue.  Changing pitch sizes, changing the rules, reducing numbers in a team, changing scoring systems are just some of the positive steps been taken by NGB’s all around the world, but there are still many yet to follow suit both on match day and in the format of coaching sessions and in the coach education piece.

The final part of the documentary looked at the impact of society on football and vice versa.  How we are still faced with issues of racism and homophobia.  There is no doubting that we have made some progress but there is still a long way to go.

It was refreshing to hear from Ryan Atkins, Thomas Hitzlsperger, Les Ferdinand, Chris Ramsey, Troy Townsend and Danny Rose speak so openly about their stories and highlighting some of the issues that are still faced.

Sport and football can play such a key part in influencing society change but it requires brave leadership and people’s behaviours consistently reflecting what they may say.  It is far easier to say the right things but modelling that behaviour on a regular basis is far more difficult.

Parents we have  a key role to play here in building society from the bottom up.  Our children take the lead from us, they are watching us, and we are their biggest role models.  Everything that we say or do will be mimicked by them in some form or another.

How is it possible that we can have children as young as the age of 7 being racially abused on a football field?  Take a moment as a parent to think how you would feel if it was your child in the same position?

I plead with you as parents to play a positive role in this in helping to tackle some of the issues and lets try to make society and sport as healthy and positive as it can be.

We hope that you will all get a chance to enjoy the documentary and would love to hear your thoughts.  It is currently being aired on BT Sport and if you want to find out more information about the book and buy a copy then please click here.