In this episode mindset/performance coach and former professional cricketer Lewis Hatchett joins Gordon MacLelland to discuss the positives and perils of perfectionism and what we should be looking out for in helping to support our young performers.

During the conversation they discuss amongst other things:

• Lewis’ own personal battles with perfectionism throughout his career
• Why not all elements of perfectionism are bad when it comes to performance
• Spotting the signs of perfectionist tendencies in our young people
• Having the right and most realistic levels of expectation when it comes to performance
• The importance of allowing our young people to experience failure
• Helping our children focus predominantly on their regular process goals
• Working with our children to help them understand what their ‘minimum, viable performance'(MVP) looks like
• Encouraging our children to use practice and training time efficiently
• Helping our children strive for excellencism rather than perfectionism

Lewis Hatchett is a Mindset and Mental Performance Coach, Former Professional Cricketer, MSc Student of Performance Psychology at Bangor University, Host of the Raising Your Game Podcast and Creator of the MindStrong Sport App.

It still did not prepare me for that moment or indeed the shock at the words, ‘the club are going to release him.’

For once I was lost for words as a myriad of feelings swarmed over me. I was in shock; it was not expected and despite living and breathing this work I struggled to comprehend what had just happened and how we were going to break the news to our 11-year-old son.  This despite having the benefit of helping support parents go through the same process across a number of different sports over the last few years.

The initial feeling as a sporting parent is one of hurt, often we feel that we have to go on the offensive either criticising the process, the people selecting the team or those involved with the coaching.  Hopefully, most of us keep these feelings to ourselves however difficult that may be, but if we are not careful, we can often forget the most important person in this experience and that is our children.

We certainly felt this way and no advice can help prepare you for the moment you have to break the news to your child and watch them physically and emotionally crumple in front of you.  We simply had to do it and be led with conversation by our son’s responses to it whilst not having all the answers that he wanted but promising him that we would do our best to find out.

I do have to say the resilience of young people never ceases to amaze me and whilst both me and my wife have struggled to come to terms with the news, within 24 hours he was already thinking ahead to his cricket matches this week, looking forward to welcoming a new puppy to home and ‘taking the mick’ out of his dad whilst playing golf with him.

It has reiterated much of what we talk about that the child’s view of the sporting experience can be very distorted to how we think it should look and feel for them.

If we are proactive as sports parents and create a positive environment at home, we can try to be balanced in our view and try to prepare our children for all possible outcomes.

Having spoken to Steve Sallis(author of Educating Football)  on the ‘Parents in Sport Podcast’ about the good, the bad and the ugly of football academies, we wondered if  ‘RELEASED’  should not be a dirty word and something that we should not be surprised to encounter at some point on the journey and be more prepared for as parents.  This should not land solely as the responsibility of parents but also with clubs perhaps also being more honest and realistic with parents from the very beginning of the journey.

From our experience of working across Premier League and Football League clubs in the last couple of seasons this is something that is now been addressed in many cases much more effectively.

Of course, we never hope that being released will ever happen but the chances of it are so high that perhaps we were naive in not being more prepared, although I think subconsciously with our approach we may well be giving ourselves less credit than we deserve.

One thing that we certainly must be emphasising on a regular basis is that only through hard work and a great attitude to training can our children be expected to even be considered for selection. We have been huge advocates of this, yet there are still no guarantees.

We are by no means saying that you should be negative or too pessimistic, but we must strike a balance between this and unrealistic optimism.

It shows how difficult it can be as a parent as if you go too far one way you run the risk of discouraging them, if you are pessimistic or if you are at the other end of the scale the disappointment after all the expectation can be even harder to take.  This seems like common sense, but it is amazing how many parents find themselves at either end of this scale.

If your child is not selected, you need to understand how they will be feeling.  They are bound to take it personally; it is an attack on their self-esteem and none of us like to feel rejected.  It can be made even harder by the fact that your child will probably have to watch some of their friends go off and participate and will feel that they are missing out from a social perspective as well.

So as a sporting parent what can we do to manage this?  Here are a few useful pointers:

Don’t Overreact – as mentioned earlier, as emotions run high it is very easy to make poor decisions that we may regret later.  Allow some time to cool off, reflect before acting.  One thing is for certain make sure you praise your child and tell them how proud you are of them for giving it a go. I could not have been prouder of him that two days later he captained his district and put the football kit back on and turned in a solid performance. My pride in my children has never been on what they achieve but on their character traits, how they are as humans and their ability to react and respond appropriately to all the different challenges that young people face growing up.

Offer huge emotional support – let your child talk.  Let them express their feelings, let them express anger and frustration at how it all went.  Even if you disagree with what they may say, listen to it from their perspective, this will be useful to you moving forward.  Certainly, do not squash your child at this stage, it is really important as parents that we do not play it all down and tell them for example ‘that it’s only a game’ or ‘there is always next time’.  Let them talk, sometimes silence or even telling them that you feel their pain with them can act as a huge support. Our son did not have a lot to say initially but as the week has worn on, he has shared more and more. Keeping him busy, doing activities that allow you to participate and talk at the same time have certainly been on huge benefit and it has helped us to plan and prepare for the next few months.

Encourage and don’t create an excuse for them – be positive and encourage your child. Try not to make excuses for your child.  Instead talk to them about the selection process, ask them questions that allow them to reflect on what they think.  Who are the best players?  Who do you think you are better than and what might you do next time?

Speak to the coach – if you are totally disillusioned with the decision then after at least 48 hours consider speaking with your child’s coach.  It would be even better if you could get your child to go and ask for some feedback on what they need to improve on but this can be very hard for younger players.  This chat needs to be non-confrontational and should only be used as an avenue to plan a route forward. I definitely think this is of huge benefit as it allows everyone to move on.

Plan ahead – can you plan the next stage? What can you do to help support your child?  Do they want to continue to fight for their place in a team?  Do they want to continue playing academy football or go back to grassroots?  Really listen to their response.  If so, how can you best support them using the information that they your child and their coach has given you?

Stay connected – speak to people that you trust for impartial advice. I have been incredibly grateful for the support I have received from football academy staff from organisations we work with, former coaches, schoolteachers and other contacts within the sports industry who I have great relationships with. On reflection, staying in contact with former grassroots coaches and the clubs our children were involved in before the academy experience can help with integrating them back into these environments if this is the chosen path.

Play lots of sports- one thing that missed selection highlights is the need to make sure that your child is involved in a myriad of different sporting activity.  If you only play one sport and this selection process is the be all and end all either at the weekend or as part of a representative process, then it can be all the more difficult for your child to take or even be motivated to continue.  If they are involved in lots of sports and different teams, any type of failure like this can be kept in a far greater context.

One final thing to be aware of is that many early selection processes around the world are heavily in favour of the more physically and emotionally developed athlete.  Many of these athletes being born in the early part of the sporting calendar year.

In making long term decisions and trying to keep things in perspective, recognise that this may be a phase your child will need to go through.  It does not mean that further down the line they will not be selected ahead of some of their peers, so keep encouraging and keep motivating them!

Who knows what will happen next? No one has a crystal ball…..

Of course, it’s certainly a very important metric but I would argue that for age group swimmers there are lots of things more important than that single fixed outcome.

The time is a product of a swimmer’s efforts not only in that race, but in the weeks, months and sometimes years of training which have brought them to that point, and I’m going to set out here why I believe the process is every bit as important as the outcome.

Let’s look at some things that matter more than the time:

Technique – If a swimmer can keep this sound even as they fatigue during a race then we are more than halfway to achieving fast times. In training we are constantly reminding, cajoling and challenging swimmers to improve their technique.  It’s the ability to transfer this into a race scenario, and keep it up when they’re tired and under pressure, which is what the coaches are looking for.

Effort – This often correlates with a swimmer’s time, but not always. You can’t get there just by wanting it – life doesn’t work like that. I think it was Einstein that defined madness as doing the same thing over and over whilst expecting a different result, and swimmers often repeat the same stroke or skill flaws and then get upset when they’re not achieving the time they believe they are capable of.  Is it any wonder?

To achieve their potential all swimmers need to develop a bit of insight into their own performance and adopt the right mindset, which brings me onto the next set of golden rules.

Listening and Taking Instruction – For me this is the single biggest predictor of whether a swimmer will achieve or not. I am constantly urging our athletes to swim smart, and the very best of them listen, take this on board and immediately alter what they are doing. If we have worked on a skill in training in the weeks leading up to an event, then putting that into practice in a competitive situation is what I want to see, regardless of the time.

Self Management – How do swimmers look after themselves across the weekend of a meet?  Are they eating the right things? Are the switched on during the warm up? Are they engaged with pre pool? Do they need to be told repeatedly to swim down?

All these things are part of the bigger picture, and getting this right is more important than a single time.

Competing Hard – Believe it or not children don’t always get this bit, and for me it is a real light bulb moment when I see a swimmer attacking a race for the first time, or striving to beat a tough opponent when previously they might have let them swim off into the distance.

Executing the Plan – All my swimmers receive a briefing before the race and feedback afterwards. I tell them what I want to see in terms of skills, and then feedback on that afterwards. I might mention their time at the end, but it will never feature in the pre-race brief.

In 200m events and above I might talk about their splits, but that’s because pacing is a skill. It takes a lot of concentration, and sound technique, to swim 800m with even splits, but that’s what we are looking for.

All of these things come together in the process that makes children into better swimmers.

They might improve in one area at a time, or across a range all at once, but it’s that ongoing process of learning new skills, and focusing on what they are doing (rather than how fast they are doing it) which will drive future improvement and engage them in the sport over a longer period of time.

If I was to give parents one piece of advice it would be to take a long term view. Don’t pressure them to swim fast today, but instead focus on acquiring those skills that will make them faster tomorrow, and help them enjoy swimming as they grow.

Thank you to Alan Dickson for this guest blog.  Alan has been coaching the junior age group squads at North Ayrshire Swimming club for eleven years. His  youngest son, Rory, competed at the 2019 British Championships in Glasgow.