Wow!  Is that all of us, I thought? I really appreciate you putting me in one huge group and labelling us all under the same bracket.

However, it then got me thinking about my own parents and my own parenting, and things I think we do better now but some things I don’t think we did as well as them.

Is there an element of truth in the above and what is the impact on that in raising young performers?

Do we have to support young performers who are trying to achieve at the highest levels differently to societal norms, as elements of performance haven’t changed?

Modern parenting can often feel like coaching in a big game. We feel under pressure, surrounded by competition, and constantly told that if we don’t push hard enough, our kids will “get left behind.”

Many parents we speak to share their late-night thoughts including their anxieties and how they worry about the choices they are making whilst second-guessing themselves when they hear others are doing something different.

Sporting programmes can inadvertently magnify this pressure even more.

But here’s the catch: some of today’s parenting habits—though well-intentioned—are the very things we may look back on and later regret, if we haven’t really thought things through.

Here are a few of the things that crop up during our sessions: (there are many more)

Over scheduling and Overtraining

This is a tough one. A number one answer in our sessions from parents of when they find sports parenting challenging is balancing logistics. Let’s be clear, to be good at something there will certainly have to be commitment and at times it may feel relentless.

Some parents whose children are excelling at a young age may not have a choice depending on where they live and the demands of the programmes they are involved with.

However, we need to be wary that everything over a 12-month period needs some balance. This includes trying to facilitate family time, holidays and the pursuit of other hobbies and interests whilst ensuring enough time is given to continue to make healthy progress in the sport they may be excelling at.

Many of the world’s top performers played several sports when they were younger and not eliminating too many of these too early is sound advice.

“Michael Jordan didn’t just play basketball—he played baseball, too. That balance helped him become the athlete he was.”

However, think of Freddie Adu, once dubbed “the next Pelé.” At just 14, he signed a professional contract, played under enormous pressure, and was on every magazine cover. By 22, he was burnt out, his love for the game diminished.

Parents often say later, ‘I wish we had slowed down a bit and made some better choices along the way.’ Hindsight can be a wonderful thing.

Defining Success by Trophies

When Serena and Venus Williams were children, their father, Richard, often told them:

“This is bigger than tennis. You’re going to change the world.”

Notice—he wasn’t talking about trophies or rankings. He framed success as effort, character, and impact.

Compare that to parents who measure every season by outcomes. I have had teenage athletes say to me, “If I don’t score, I feel like I let my parents down and they keep asking me where I think I rank on my team.” That kind of pressure doesn’t build champions—it builds anxiety.

To raise young performers, we need to be helping our children understand why they are winning and why they are achieving positive outcomes, and this comes back to the development of key character traits.

Something that is only going to happen if as parents we can help support the development of these traits through shining a light on them, reinforcing their value and discussing them with them.

The common sporting conversation and narrative of ‘did you win, did you score and how did you play compared to everyone else’ needs to have much greater depth to it as if that is the only conversation that ever takes place around young people’s sport it is unlikely to do that. It merely adds fuel to the notion that any success is purely defined by specific outcomes.

Living Through our Child’s Achievements

Andre Agassi, in his autobiography Open, recalls how his father pushed him relentlessly, even building a ball machine nicknamed “The Dragon” to feed him 2,500 balls a day. Agassi became a champion—but he also admitted he hated tennis for much of his life.

“I won matches. I earned millions. But I hated tennis.” — Andre Agassi

Many modern parents fall into the same trap: they see their child’s sport as their own second chance.

There is nothing wrong with being proud of our kids and being invested in their sport

Our young athletes thrive when we support without controlling—when kids know that this is their journey, and that we are their biggest supporters, not necessarily second coaches.

As our children get older our ability to move from the driver’s seat to the pit lane as a parent is essential to create independent, self organised and driven young people.

Forgetting the Whole Person Beyond their Sport

One of the discussions I always have with parents is along the lines of ‘What do you want for your children from their sporting experience and what will they do tomorrow if it all ends?’

Yes, young people can be all in and heavily invested in their sport, however I also know it is far easier to develop rounded individuals along the way rather than at the very end.

Many athletes have had every aspect of their life controlled to maximise their athletic future. Meals, workouts, even friendships are monitored, supposedly to meet goals or to be the perfect product of modern parenting—but the pressure can consume people and there is a dark side.

Olympian Ian Thorpe — “I felt like I was swimming for everyone else, not for me. That’s when I knew something was wrong.”

NBA Legend Larry Bird — “Push too hard and the love for the game disappears. Then it’s just work, not play.”

We are not fans of ‘Plan B’ for young people as we do not like that specific narrative, but we are fans of supporting the development of multi-faceted young people with different strings to their bow.

If you contrast some peoples experience with that of Roger Federer, whose parents encouraged him to play multiple sports until he was 12.

He credits that balance for his longevity and love of tennis.

“I was never forced to play tennis. That’s why I still love it today.” — Roger Federer

Parenting for the Long Game

Years from now, your child won’t remember all of their sporting days and their outcomes.

As we live in the moment now without a crystal ball for what the future may hold or without any guarantees that no matter what we facilitate, and our children give to their sport they may still not achieve what they are currently aspiring to. A really uncomfortable place top be as a sporting parent, but can we shift the narrative?

What we maybe can guarantee is that when it is all over, they will remember how you made them feel.

Did they feel valued, even after mistakes? Did they feel safe to fail? Did they feel supported beyond the game?

The real goal is raising a child who loves their sport, loves themselves, and carries those lessons into every corner of life.

What is perfectionism?

Perfectionism is about the unrealistic expectations that people can have for themselves and for
other people in their life. There are several forms of perfectionism:

• Some people expect themselves to be perfect (self-oriented perfectionism).
• Some people expect other people to be perfect (other-oriented perfectionism).
• Some people think that other people in their life, like a parent, coach, or teacher, expect
  them to be perfect (socially prescribed perfectionism).

Over twenty years of scientific research has shown that everyone is perfectionistic to some degree.
Some people have high levels of perfectionism. Other people have low levels of perfectionism. Most
people are somewhere in between.

How does perfectionism affect young athletes?

Dr Sarah Mallinson-Howard and colleagues have shown that perfectionism undermines the potential
for sport to be a rewarding experience for young athletes. How it does so, depends on the
perfectionistic tendencies they have:

• If young athletes expect themselves to be perfect, it won’t mean they work hard and
  perform better. Instead, it can mean they will experience lots of unnecessary anxiety and
  worry.
• If young athletes expect others to be perfect, it can impact negatively on their relationships
  (e.g., friendships) and they will feel less supported when they need help.
• If young athletes believe that other people expect them to be perfect, they can feel
  unhappy, stressed, and lonely. This is the worst form of perfectionism.

What can parents do?

If parents are concerned about their child’s perfectionistic tendencies and would like to help them
better manage their expectations and feel supported, here are three handy tips:

1. Encourage and support your child to feel good about things other than how they perform in
sport (or elsewhere), such as being a kind person.
2. Reward your child’s efforts even if things don’t go well (or perfectly). Mistakes are part of
learning and should be accepted.
3. Emphasise to your child that sometimes things just need to get done. Things can’t always be
perfect. You can learn a lot by just doing things (rather than trying to do things perfectly or
putting things off when they are unlikely to be done perfectly).

For further guidance and information, please see these documents for parents and check out the
video in this blog.

Whilst all young people are perfectionistic to some degree and certain parenting strategies may
help, if you are at all concerned that your child is having problems with their mental health (e.g.,
they are upset all the time) talk to them about it and arrange to see their GP.

Dr Sarah Mallinson-Howard is Associate Head of Sport and Senior lecturer in Sport and Exercise
Psychology in the School of Science, Technology, and Health at York St John University, UK. As
Engagement Lead for the Motivation, Performance, and Well-being (MPaW) Research Group at York
St John University, her research focuses on understanding how perfectionism influences the
engagement and experiences of athletes, in particular young athletes, and how perfectionism might
best be managed by parents, coaches, and athletes themselves.

Kathy Feinstein, host of the Parenting Peak Performers Podcast talks with Stacie Mahoe and offers some great support for sporting parents. Kathy is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and a Certified Sport Performance Consultant and Stacie is the sports mum of 8 active kids, living in Hawaii.

Kathy shares some excellent tips for helping your child grow to be the very best.

Kathy and Stacie talk about …

• knowing when to push and when to back off
• red flags for sports parents to look out for
• mistakes we learned valuable lessons from so that you can steer clear of common pitfalls as you go through this amazing youth sports journey with your child