In this episode Professor and head of the Lifespan Performance Laboratory at York University, Canada Dr.Joe Baker joins Gordon MacLelland to discuss ‘The Tyranny of Talent’- how it limits and compels athletic achievement…..and why you should largely ignore it.
During the conversation they discuss amongst other things:
- Trying to define talent and our misused application as coaches and parents
- The challenges of Talent Identification
- The ‘label of talent’ and how it can potentially hinder motivation
- The importance of the role of parents in the sporting system
- Optimising talent development environments, putting the person at the centre of our thinking and not treating athletes as commodities
- Prioritising the sporting journey over any potential outcomes
- Undermining the power of sport by having unrealistic expectations
- The limitations of the ‘Nature v Nurture’ debate
- The importance of an individualised approach with each athlete alongside a wider coaching framework
- Thoughts on the development of the youth sporting landscape over the next decade
Dr. Joe Baker is Professor and head of the Lifespan Performance Laboratory at York University, Canada. His research considers the varying influences on optimal human development, ranging from issues affecting athlete development and skill acquisition to barriers and facilitators of optimal ageing. He has worked with a range of teams and organisations around the world at the amateur and professional levels. He has published 12 books, the latest of which is The Tyranny of Talent: How it compels and limits athlete achievement… and why you should ignore it. In addition, he has published over 300 scientific articles, book chapters and commentaries. More info on his research can be found at https://www.yorku.ca/
So, does the phrase apply to you and does this phenomenon actually exist?
We thought we would dig a little deeper and see what research we could find.
A 2013 study was one of the first to provide experimental evidence that parents do indeed attempt to redeem broken dreams through their children. The researchers found that parents can feel pride in their children’s achievements and even heal old wounds. When taken to extremes, however, living vicariously through a child can damage both the child and the parent.
However, there is very limited research when it comes to the specifics of sport parenting in this way.
Author Tim Elmore in 12 Huge Mistakes Parents Can Avoid explains: ‘Our children are ultimately a reflection on us. They represent our second chance to get it right. Through them we may get to do our childhood over again….For hundreds of thousands of parents, this issue remains the number one problem in raising healthy kids.’
It is natural for us to do things that we have enjoyed and take our children to sports that we have had some experience of. This will always happen, but we also need to ensure that they have a choice and be open to the idea of them finding their own passions and interests, perhaps in sports that we have no understanding of.
I know many parents in performance programmes who admit they know very little about the sport their children are involved in and whilst they are learning on the go, in many ways they feel less pressure for their child to succeed and have to hand over ownership of the sporting experience to their children and coaches.
There are pros and cons as there are with most things around this as having parents who have been involved in the sport can be extremely beneficial as well.
Every parent wants their children to have enjoyable and fulfilling lives. For many, this means encouraging children not to make the same mistakes they did. There can also be this feeling of pressure to give their children certain advantages (again totally understandable) but when combined with a parent who has their own regrets about their own sporting journeys it is easy to see why some parents can project their own dreams on to their children.
This is what is known as ‘parental emotional transference.’ It is the phenomenon of having parental emotions, and the related behaviours directly trigger similar emotions and action in children. It is important to parent–child relationships because it promotes emotional synchrony between individuals.
The reality is that children are very different people to their parents. Their interests, dreams and journeys will make them different people. However, we all know that our children will carry some of our thoughts, beliefs or personality traits with them. Whilst we often think our children are not listening to us, you can guarantee that they will never fail to imitate us.
The pressure if not managed correctly can be huge on our children when it is us that is driving the sporting journey and the motivation is not coming from them.
We have had a few conversations with young athletes involved in high performance sport who have told us that they are only playing, ‘not to let mum and dad down, as their parents have given and committed so much.’
I know as parents if our children told us this, many of us would be mortified and upset that we had allowed things to get to this stage.
The importance of making sure our children understand that the conversation when they tell us, ‘I no longer want to do this anymore,’ is always on the table.
That does not mean we react instantly and allow them just to stop. We need to spend time finding out why as it may be that they have reached this decision and investigate if this is something that has just been caused by a specific incident or series of things that may have gone wrong.
We must also try to stress the importance of seeing through a particular block of training or a season so children understand the importance of commitment being aware that children can often be fickle, change their mind frequently and creating some breathing space allows everyone to think through their choices and next stages.
Giving our children some form of autonomy is critical – simply put giving them ‘choice and a voice.’ Providing unconditional love and support is a hallmark of great sports parenting and indeed parenting.
As our children get older, they begin to establish their own identity and pursue their own dreams, if this is quashed by parents it can often hinder a child’s growth and their ability to make healthy decisions without parental input.
We all have good intentions. We might think we are giving our children a boost or giving our children opportunities we never had.
However, we may be doing more harm than good.
There are times when sharing our experiences can be really powerful and helpful to our children, but it is a fine line between being helpful and trying to heal ourselves.
I know when I say, ‘When I played…..’ my children will say ‘boring…..life story.’
It acts as a really good prompt for me. If I believe the story has significant meaning for them, I will persevere in sharing how I felt about certain situations that they may be going through but if not, I will accept what they are saying!
Reliving your old glory days through your children is just one way to heal your emotional wounds. There are many other ways you can deal with your past regrets or disappointments without potentially having a negative impact on your them.
How do I know if I am doing this?
Take a moment to reflect and answer the following questions:
- Do my children really want to do all of their sporting activities or do I feel that it is me that is driving the whole process?
- Am I happy for my children to tell me that they no longer wish to play a chosen sport, and do they know that the conversation is on the table for them, no matter how disappointed I may be?
- Do I get caught up in their successes and failures in their sport and take them as a personal insult and as a direct attack on my parenting?
- Do I give my child time to tell me how they feel about their sport? OR do I answer the questions for them and instead of listening to them about how they are feeling – tell them how they should feel.
- Do I feel like I am out of control when watching my child compete?
- Am I losing my own identity and not taking part in the hobbies and sports that I love?
Researchers from Utrecht University in the Netherlands examined what happens to parents who push their kids to live out the dreams they were never able to achieve.
They found that parents who experience unresolved disappointment from the past, feel pride and fulfilment when they can bask in their children’s glory. Watching their child succeed actually helps heal their emotional wounds.
Many parents see their kids as extensions of themselves. And watching their child do something they couldn’t do reduces their regrets about the past.
However, supporting our children in this way has far more negative than positive connotations.
So, what are some of the negatives of sports parenting in this way:
- Our children may never feel satisfied or feel that they are achieving. They can often be overburdened by the perceived levels of pressure and expectation.
- They find it difficult to form their own identity and find the passions and interests that will allow them to flourish and thrive as human beings.
- They may be at a higher risk of mental health issues such as anxiety, depression and eating disorders.
Most parents do not intend to harm their children and truly believe they are doing what is in a child’s best interests. It’s important to look beyond your motives and consider the role your emotions and experiences might play in your sports parenting decisions.
Here are a few ways that you can stay on the right side of the line:
- Communicate that your love for your child has nothing to do with their performance and help them find their passions.
Your child should not be defined by their sporting prowess nor should your unconditional love waver for them based on their sporting performances and achievements.
- Let them be their own people
You can still have high expectations of their character traits and behaviours, but your expectations are on things that align with theirs, that our children are in control of and in sport specifically those performance and process goals that hopefully may lead to positive outcomes for them. Just remember they are their own people.
- Ensure the conversation around not pursuing a certain endeavour is always on the table and your children know this.
As we mentioned earlier there can be no worse situation than a child playing sport at whatever level with their only motivation being, ‘I don’t want to let mum or dad down.’
- Involve yourself and learn more about their interests and motivations
This can be really difficult particularly if we have no interest ourselves. Ask them questions about it, try and gain a greater understanding of what makes them excited about it. You never know, you may start something new yourself and roll with it.
We hope we have created a blog post that allows plenty of self-reflection and offers some thoughts and suggestions that you may find useful.
This is a great opportunity just to check and challenge yourself in ensuring that for the most part your children are not living through our own sporting careers for a second time.
Having done some work recently with the WSL academy staff around the ‘Retain and Release Process’ recently I got thinking about how sports present their programmes to parents and young people.
Deep down I am pretty sure that we know that the chances of young people becoming Olympians and professional footballers or sportspeople are incredibly slim, but many sports parents still do dream and have those expectations.
“There are about 10,000 athletes in the Summer Olympics. With the world population at about 7 billion, the chances of making it that far are about 1 in 562,400,” says Bill Mallon, past president and co-founder of the International Society of Olympic Historians.
In the US, surveys show that 67 percent of parents hope their kids earn college scholarships while 34 percent dream that they make the Olympic team or play professionally.
It’s one thing to fantasise — it’s another to be convinced. Fully 40 percent of parents with young athletes are “certain” or “fairly sure” their gold medal and pro contract ambitions will come true.
According to NCAA statistics, only a minuscule percentage of high school athletes go all the way to play professionally.
- 1 in 610 (.16%) will get drafted by a Major League Baseball team.
- 1 in 10,399 (.0096%) will get picked by an NBA team.
- 1 in 12,873 (.0077%) will be chosen by a WNBA team.
- 1 in 3,960 (.025%) will get picked by an NFL team.
I have always been very open in the WWPIS workshops when talking about my own children and how I know that I have more chance of being hit by a meteor than my son playing professional football.
This is despite signing a Category 1 football contract at the age of 9.
This is in no way about stunting dreams and children should be encouraged to reach for the stars, it is better for young people to have their dreams than none at all.
However, it is our responsibility as the adults to ensure that we always have these statistics in the back of our mind when making decisions or supporting our young children.
Whilst I used the meteor analogy, I enjoyed something said by Tony Fretwell (Barclays FAWSL Academy Manager) who described it slightly differently, but it certainly painted another very clear picture.
When we are sold a holiday and we get the brochures it is 99% about the glamour of the trip, the hotels, beaches, sea, swimming pools and attractions and then there is a very small disclaimer that tells us of some of the potential issues (the plane crashing etc.), the package is a fair reflection of the chances of this happening.
In sport and specifically in football, we have very similar odds of children turning professional, but we sometimes sell our programmes in reverse. We sell the dream and the glamour when actually would we be better selling the journey and the wider parts and benefits of our programme?
We must do and show more about how we are going to develop young people with perhaps the final 1% saying there is a chance of becoming a professional footballer at the end of the journey.
In a number of the clubs that we work with, many are being proactive about this factor. Speaking to parents early in the journey, talking about release and encouraging parents to almost expect to have to deal with it at some point in the future is really helpful. In effect, trying to help pave the way for the disappointment that may follow whilst assuring parents that they will work hard to develop both the person and the player to the best of their abilities.
Both sporting organisations and parents have a key role to play.
There is something extremely powerful about sporting success, how we see it as a population and how this is fuelled and portrayed by the media.
Do we place too much emphasis on it as parents?
I am sure this will differ from household to household and sport to sport, but if we realistically know the odds of success and are supported positively – does it give us a better chance of managing our own expectations and those of our children?
Many involved in sport often cite parents having unrealistic expectations as a major issue within the groups that they work with. I am afraid that it is a parent’s prerogative to be slightly biased towards their own children, that is human nature.
However, do we do enough as sporting organisations particularly early in the sporting journey to help align their expectations?
We want parents to have expectations of the right things, progress for their children both physically and holistically, character development, life skills and positive interactions with coaches and their peers.
When we buy a lottery ticket, we know the chances of winning the jackpot are slim so when the results come through and we get the email or go into the shops we are excited for that moment. The build-up and moment when we click on the email or hand it over at the counter in the hope that we have won millions.
More often than not we have won £10 or less and we are able to move on extremely quickly as our expectations of winning the big one was in perspective to the chances of being successful.
Yet in sport our reaction to similar odds can be very different.
Parents – there are many great reasons to play youth sport that don’t involve scholarships, Olympic medals, or professional contracts – focus in on those and I am confident that you will celebrate more wins on the way and not run the risk of being disappointed by the final outcome of the journey, whatever that may be.
I am also pretty confident that your children will get far more from their sporting experience if we can adopt this approach.
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Aspirations are about wanting to perform to the best standard, whereas expectations convey the belief about the likelihood of succeeding. It is great for your children to have aspirations, after all that’s why we all play sport. However, just wanting to be the best does not always lead to that. Raising expectations can be good as it allows athletes of all ages to have a clear picture of what they should be doing but, if expectations are too low then motivation can be reduced and yet if they are too high then it can hinder confidence whilst increasing both fear of failure and nerves.
Two quite cool psychological effects show why expectations can be so powerful. The first is called the Pygmalion Effect. This is where people raise their achievements due to someone else’s high expectations of them. On the other hand, there is the Golem Effect. This describes how having low expectations of someone can lead to them performing worse. Essentially, no-one rises to low expectations.
So how can you use the power of expectations better?
Your voice is important
By reinforcing the expectations of your child’s coach, you show your support for what they are trying to teach. Easy ways to improve your communication is to be approachable, ask lots of open-ended questions and listen more than you talk. An example would be asking, ‘What would you do differently next week’?
Encourage high self-expectations
Encouraging high-self expectations helps athletes develop accountability. To this end, if athletes have their own high self-expectations, they are more likely to ask for feedback, ask for help and train and play with high motivation (without others around them having to motivate them). A quick way to help younger athletes develop high self-expectations is to ask them to think about what expectations their favourite athletes/ role models would have before thinking of their own.
More isn’t always better
However, a word of caution is needed when it comes to expectations. More is not always better. If your expectations far exceed your child’s ability, this can lead to a downturn in their performance and become a source of stress. When it comes to expectations, it seems that the ‘goldilocks rule’ applies – too little or too much and it is no good. Challenging but realistic seems to be a good guiding principle here.
Use simple objectives
There is a time and a place for conveying your expectations. At InnerDrive, we suggest to all of our clients (and their parents) to focus on what they need to do to play well. There seems to be a middle ground with this. Think too much about expectations and performance can be worse. Think too little about expectations and athletes may not know what to do.
To get themselves into this middle ground I ask my athletes to consider the following question, ‘What three things do I need to do to perform at my best?’. This ensures they only think about what they can control but also providing them with simple steps to do what they need to do to perform at their best.
Final thought
It’s hard to flourish if no one believes in you. Equally, it’s hard to perform when people demand too much from you. If expectations are pitched at the right level it will help your children perform at their best. If in doubt, just remind them that you are their biggest fan, you will love them no matter what the outcome, and that seeing them try their best is ultimately what will make you proud of them.
Matt Shaw is a Performance Psychologist at InnerDrive. He is one of the leading experts in applying psychological research to sport.
InnerDrive work with a range of athletes from a number of levels (England internationals, elite athletes and youth and amateur athletes), including players from clubs such as Manchester United, Crystal Palace, West Ham and Watford to help them maximise their performance.
On top of their one-to-one work they also regularly produce resources to help every athlete improve their mental game.
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