Reposted with the kind permission of Paul Gamble of the Athlete Generation.

The willingness to try, fail and try again is a prerequisite for becoming better.

The urge for exploration comes to us naturally during the early years. Just as infants and toddlers play with making different sounds to acquire language, our innate curiosity leads us to engage in ‘motor babbling’ to figure out how to move our bodies so we can satisfy the desire to explore the world around us and investigate objects in our vicinity. By observing and trying things out for themselves, young children first acquire the rudiments of motor skills and then refine them over time through unceasing trial and error. In this seemingly haphazard way, we go from our initial hesitant bumbling attempts to mastering the highly complex and coordinated actions involved in locomotion and performing fine motor tasks demanding high degrees of dexterity.

A signature feature of the motor learning process is the falling short and falling over that happens at regular intervals along the way. During the early childhood years, our default response is simply to pick ourselves up and carry on undeterred. As the adage goes, if at first you don’t succeed, try and try again. Young kids are naturally tolerant of failing and steadfastly stick to the task. However, as they progress through childhood many pick up unhelpful habits of thought that increasingly get in the way. As young performers become older and more self-conscious, they may develop an aversion to integral aspects of the learning process as ego- and status-related concerns start to interfere with the pursuit.

From social cues and other sources many kids develop the impression that those who are smart or good at sport pick things up easily and effortlessly get things right by virtue of their innate abilities. From this starting point, having to put in effort is interpreted a sign that they are less skilled or less smart. By this logic, trying hard or worse still being seen to struggle acquires negative connotations. Perceiving that effort and struggle reflect poorly on the individual does not serve anybody and only reinforces negative feelings for kids who are already concerned about what others think of them. Aside from the fact that this mindset is not conducive to learning, it can lead young performers to sabotage their own efforts. When such concerns start to take over, it can become ‘if at first you don’t succeed, throw your toys and give up sparing yourself any risk of further embarrassment’.

It is understandable that kids who are self-conscious and insecure in their own capabilities might be afflicted by such ideas. What we must point out is that by choosing to opt out or otherwise giving up at the first sign of difficulty they deny themselves any route to developing the competence that would provide some assurance. Certainly, such a strategy makes it practically impossible to master any skill.

Whilst there might be guidance and instruction involved, learning any motor skill ultimately comes down to a process of trial and error. It is worth pointing out that there are two parts to this. First you must be willing to try out the new skill or different way of doing things and make a genuine, whole-hearted attempt. Next, you must be able to respond in a way that is adaptive when you fall short and get it wrong – as you inevitably will.

It is almost guaranteed that we will do things imperfectly when learning a new task or technique for the first time. Given the degree of coordination and complexity of the skills involved in pursuits such as sport and music there is essentially no such thing as being good when first starting out. Honing skills over time means committing to an iterative process of trial and error to explore the task and converge on the best solution. Whilst estimates vary (10,000 hours?), it is generally accepted that even for those who possess extraordinary talent it will take years of dedicated effort to become a virtuoso.

Aside from being ready to engage, any new task or different approach takes a little time to get to grips with. When first presented with a new skill or drill there is some likelihood that they may not immediately grasp what coach trying to convey. Once again, getting a handle on what they are being invited to perform requires them to have a go. A good phrase for motor skills is ‘apprehend to comprehend’. Getting things clear in our own mind requires physically performing the action – or at least a rudimentary version of it. Making an initial attempt in turn provides the opportunity for feedback and further instruction.

Beyond giving it a go, it is necessary to stick with it long enough to successfully execute the skill to get a proper feel for the movement. From there, honing the skill means executing the skill over and over again to work through the recursive loop of trial, error, make correction, repeat – troubleshooting along the way to identify what went wrong and figure out what modifications are needed to do better and get closer with the next attempt. All of this means committing to the process and persevering through difficulties, as well as handling the attendant frustration.

Based on what we have described there are various points where things can go awry. Entertaining instruction or whatever suggested modification is being offered by the coach means allowing that there might be a better or at least equally valid alternative, which can be challenging given the attachment to the familiar and practiced way of doing things. For kids who are open to the possibility, they must then fully engage with whatever they are being invited to try. It is understandable that kids might be reticent to engage when invited or instructed to try something new as it means stepping into the unknown. There is some temptation to not commit fully and only make a half-hearted effort with the initial attempt, as it permits the excuse that they did not really fail as they were not really trying. The final hurdle is to remain engaged and stick with the laborious process of figuring things out if they don’t immediately grasp things or get it right first time. My recent experience has been that it is increasingly common for kids to react negatively at the first sign of struggle, such that they disengage or withdraw effort.

To expand our repertoire of skills we must be willing to explore the unknown and experiment with new and different ways of doing things, which means venturing into uncharted territory. Contact with the unknown carries both threat and promise. Due to its ambivalent nature, the prospect of trying something new or attempting to do things differently elicits apprehension but it can also provoke curiosity. It is conceivable that what is being proposed might offer the key to unlocking a higher level of performance and opening up a host of new possibilities. On that basis, whilst it might be confronting, there should also be some eagerness to find out.

In the face of uncertainty or the unknown there are essentially two options: you can either approach or withdraw. Which of those options is chosen communicates something to others as well as the person themselves. If they approach, it communicates that the person considers themselves capable – and also that whatever is being attempted has the potential to deliver good things and is worth pursuing. In contrast, if the person withdraws it communicates that the person is not confident, they are equipped to proceed and perhaps that they consider the task to be either potentially harmful or otherwise not useful.

Until we voluntarily explore something it will induce anxiety. We do not learn to be fearful or anxious, but rather learn not to fear something by establishing through exploration that the thing we were apprehensive about is either non-threatening or better yet potentially useful to us. The decision not to engage in exploration condemns us to remaining anxious. Worse still, by opting to avoid something we reinforce in our minds that it is something to be avoided, such that the sense of threat and anxiety grows. In this way, the reticence towards trying anything new or different becomes self-reinforcing. Over time we may come to adopt avoidance as our default response, which of course only makes us more fearful.

Being willing to engage is a demonstration of humility, as it means implicitly acknowledging that they still have something to learn, and the coach has something to teach them. Conversely, refusing to entertain other ways of doing things or deciding not to engage when presented with a new drill or technique in practice is a mix of denial and delusion borne of insecurity. While it might come across as petulance, it is important to understand that these behaviours are motivated by fear. It is no coincidence that this most commonly afflicts ‘tweens and early teens, as this is the time in our development when we are more self-conscious and affected by the prospect of social judgement. Even in practice, being asked to try something new in front of their peers may be threatening to fragile fledgling egos.

The imperative to not look foolish and protect their status within the group inevitably tends to lead to avoidant behaviours. A sure way to avoid failing is to not try and simply opt out of any scenario where there is potential for looking foolish. Similarly, the perceived threat to ego and status explains the aversive reactions when the young performer’s initial efforts fall short, or they are provided with feedback suggesting they might be doing things imperfectly.

Clearly things can go either way at each point in the learning process, and what mindset and beliefs a young performer brings to the pursuit can make all the difference. How they appraise the scenario, the meaning they ascribe to effort, how they interpret difficulties and setbacks all have major implications. Each of these factors will shape how kids experience situations in practice and in turn determine their approach and how they respond. A young performer’s attitude towards making mistakes is perhaps the most important aspect to address and reframe, both in terms of how they handle the prospect of getting things wrong and their response when mistakes occur.

Errors are not only inevitable but also necessary. Exploring the problem space requires seeing what works and what doesn’t. To use the analogy of the game battleships, the ‘hits’ provide important information but so do the ‘misses’. Errors are information that guide learning. In other words, to find out anything we must be willing to make mistakes. The error part of ‘trial and error’ is the source of crucial feedback that informs what modifications are needed. What we must help kids to understand is that making new and different mistakes is central to getting to grips with the problem, discovering important lessons and revealing the route to potential solutions.

‘Let no man deceive himself… he must become foolish, so that he may become wise’.

– Corinthians

The other crucial element to tackle with young performers concerns their attitudes towards difficulty and struggle – or more specifically, their perceptions regarding what it means when they experience difficulties or struggle to pick things up. It is not uncommon for kids to acquire the distorted belief that finding something hard reflects poorly on them and means that they are not smart or otherwise lacking in ability.

What is striking is that kids who are somewhat accomplished and have enjoyed success are equally prone to distorted beliefs and unhelpful behaviours. When you have become used to being top dog there is added discomfort associated with grappling with something new or different – especially if others are picking it up. Being marked out as talented or gifted is often interpreted as meaning that they should pick things up with ease and essentially do everything right at the first attempt. The perceived imperative to make things look effortless and never be seen to struggle is clearly not an expectation anybody can live up to. For the most part, this is a projection that is not grounded in reality.

Aside from false impressions regarding others’ expectations, high achievers are also likely to be perfectionists. One of the pernicious aspects of perfectionism is the tendency to hold themselves to an impossible standard – and then mercilessly beat themselves up when they inevitably fall short. Wherever it arises from, the notion that anything less than getting everything right first time every time constitutes failure is clearly nonsensical. Happily, these beliefs do not stand up well under scrutiny. However, if left unchallenged, these distorted beliefs often lead to behaviours that do not serve them.

‘If you are not willing to be a fool then you cannot become a master’.

– Jordan B Peterson

An important realisation for aspiring young performers is that whatever their accomplishments, what got them here will likely not be sufficient to get them where they want to go. The urge to protect their ego and preserve their status is an indulgence they cannot afford as it will inevitably impede their progress and hold them back from pursuing their goals. As the grown-ups we can help guide them towards this realisation and we should certainly support them through the process.

There are plenty of data indicating that young performers fare better in a mastery-focussed practice environment. Coaches and parents alike should be mindful and choose their words carefully to avoid bringing ego and status into the equation as far as possible. The coach likewise bears responsibility making practice environment a safe space for trying things out and making mistakes in service of learning new and different ways of doing things. Everybody involved has a role to play in providing encouragement and offering praise to reward and reinforce the desired behaviours.

As coaches and parents there is a benefit to acknowledging that it can be daunting to be presented with a new or unfamiliar way of doing things. It is natural to feel some trepidation when faced with the unknown. It is also natural that they might feel a reflexive urge to disengage when experiencing apprehension and discomfort. Courage and tenacity are required. Rather than downplay it, we should rather encourage young performers to step into the role of exploratory hero in their own story. When presented in the right way, the difficulty of the quest and even the obstacles and setbacks they will encounter along the way can be motivating. We should encourage aspiring young performers to relish the challenge and embrace the process in the spirit of curiosity and play.

In making the case, we should highlight how opting to be brave and to stick with it will not only help themselves but also serve the interests of the group. Pointing out their actions can benefit others and serve the greater good is powerful from a motivational perspective. By becoming more capable and adaptable they will be better able to contribute to the collective effort. In doing so, they will also encourage other members of the squad to follow their lead, in turn helping them and further benefitting the group as a whole.

That said, it remains up to the young athlete to have the courage to dare to try and to commit to working through the process. Whatever emotions they might be experiencing are natural and certainly no cause to think less of themselves, but it is also necessary to get past all that that. There is no other way but to take the plunge and then persevere through all the struggles. The best strategy to overcome apprehension is to voluntarily approach and explore. Rather than succumbing to anxiety, the better alternative is to lean into curiosity and focus their attention on solving the puzzle.

Another way to combat fear is to think about the alternatives and consider what is more frightening. Whatever apprehension or discomfort they might be feeling needs to be weighed against the frightening prospect that giving in will deny themselves the opportunity to become better and cost them the chance to pursue their goals. Ultimately what self-conscious young performers really want to avoid is looking foolish in competition – when the stakes are higher, and they are performing in front of an audience that is potentially largely and likely less forgiving than their training partners. If they limit themselves in practice to what is familiar and stick with what they are already adept at, this will leave them entirely exposed and bereft of a plan B when the day comes that the tried and tested way of doing things no longer produces the desired outcome. Likewise, if they encounter an unforeseen scenario in competition that calls for something different then the decision not to explore and experiment during practice will doom them to fail. The only way to guard against this is to thoroughly explore and practice the full array of athletic and sport skills that they might be called on to perform in the arena.

Paul Gamble PhD is a coach, performance director, consultant and author. Paul has a long-lasting interest and involvement in talent development. Hs most recent book published in 2022 was Sports Parenting, which aimed to equip parents to better work with youth sports coaches to support kids through each stage of the youth sports journey, and he has since launched the Athlete Generation substack to provide content to parents, youth sports coaches and physical education teachers.

Would we even know or be aware that this is happening? I am not sure…..

This is not about judging and tarnishing everyone with the same brush but trying to make sense of this or what may be underlying this perceived ‘entitlement’ is certainly worth exploring.

Having traveled the world recently and visited a number of different environments from schools to performance programmes the word seems to be cropping up more than ever before.

“Ambition is when you expect yourself to close the gap between what you have and what you want.

Entitlement is when you expect others to close the gap between what you have and what you want.”

– James Clear

Most parents wouldn’t like to see entitled attitudes in their children, coaches can get frustrated with it and some of the behaviours that come from this perceived position of privilege are not a helpful characteristic when it comes to positive cultures, team unity and cohesion.

The problem around privilege and a perceived entitlement  attitude is that it is normally established out of love or caring for others.

Children may get rewarded for unearned behaviours with parents wanting to smooth the path for their children and make it better than it was for them.

Encouraging this sense of entitlement and removing opportunities for developing resilience removes feelings of competence and autonomy from personal development and growth which we know is essential in healthy sporting and emotional development.

I didn’t grow up with things being handed to me. I had to work hard. 

— Serena Williams

The problem is that this approach does not help our children when it comes to long term development in their sport. Young people have to go through disappointment, learn how to problem solve, manage some of their own battles, and adapt to different situations and learn how to rise positively to challenges.

Whilst we may see some short-term wins with us being more involved than we perhaps should be as parents, we are not necessarily helping set up our children for longer term ‘success’.

We need to be brave and let our children work hard for their goals and ultimately, their success. The payoff may not be sporting success, but it will be children of stronger character who can thrive in whatever walk of life they choose to go into.

There is a desire in sport to improve with a high focus on mastery and personal development and a focus on effort. Supporting a sense of entitlement or fighting battles for our children may remove these areas or opportunities for growth.

People high in (self appointed) entitlement believe that they should get what they want because of who they are, have high expectations that can go unmet and in team environments struggle to have positive relationships with teammates, always feeling that it is about them and when things are not going so well that they are being treated unfairly and someone else is (always) to blame.

I was recently discussing this topic with a coach in a Public School, not specifically in a sporting context and their reply to my concerns in their environment was ‘they all live on estates and in mansions, get the best educational opportunities so what do you expect?’

My response was, ‘just because they are given these opportunities does not mean we should be condoning them to behave in this way but we should be helping them to understand how this may be presenting itself and how they could perhaps go about things in a different way.’

We also have to be careful not to label as many in these environments do not behave in this way and maximise their opportunities in the most positive way possible.

In sport there are times where young sportspeople are given access to some incredible environments, amazing coaching opportunities, fantastic trips and also have a lot of things done for them on a regular basis to allow them to focus on just delivering their best possible performance as an athlete.

This is understandable but working with young people around their own self-awareness is also important as there may be some negative behaviours attached to these opportunities if not managed correctly or addressed quickly.

A recent video with Erling Haaland probably triggered me into putting pen to paper on this topic as his approach to his kit man.

This was about a player who treated everyone around him with some basic respect as opposed to a number of players before him who by their actions whether intended or not showed real disdain to the kit man as a human being.

Did they just think that was his job?

Did they see the kit man as someone beneath them?

Only they will know the answer to that and of course the snapshot of the video that went viral may be an unfair depiction of what the relationships between them actually look like.

This is a far cry from the All Blacks culture of ‘better people make better All Blacks’ as standards set off the field reflect standards on the field.

It also reminded me recently of this quote:

 It is a good idea to be ambitious…but it is a terrible mistake to let drive and ambition get in the way of treating people with kindness and decency.

— Robert Solow

My other fear for those who are given these incredible opportunities at a young age without the correct support and guidance is that when they leave these environments, the real adult world often looks nothing like this.

 For example: 

• Young footballers who played in high level academies but then were released and who suddenly find themselves having to train and play in the lowest divisions as they enter adulthood

• The public school child who has had access to the best facilities and has had access to high quality coaching sessions in relatively comfortable environments

When they move into adulthood no longer is anyone washing your kit, no one telling you that you must be at training, no one really cares about your background as you are just another athlete at that point in time competing.  Sometimes the facilities are not at the level that you have been accustomed to all of this can be a lot to take on board and persevere with.

For some, it can just be too much like hard work when everything previously has been laid on a plate for them and they simply fall out of sport.

In the long term we know mental health issues in athletes are escalating.

Does some of this privilege contribute in a small way to this?

Many of these young people live unrealistic lives, in some cases with unrealistic goals and are often under enormous pressure and strain and those around them believe that they need to do all that they can for these athletes only adding to their sense of entitlement.

What happens when this is removed, and they are no longer in sport or performing at the level that they once were?

I must stress that this is not about removing ‘opportunity’ in any way whatsoever; we want lots of people to have the most incredible opportunities, but I think we all have a responsibility around the management of those opportunities.

To give some examples of entitlement that we may see around sport:

A resistance to feedback from our children as they may perceive any form of critique as a personal attack rather than an opportunity.

The athlete who seeks instant gratification and expects the coach to help them get there.

This can result in athletes who do not look to give and receive, who do not always arrive with the right attitude but just take and expect and think solely about themselves.

They do not recognise that sporting development is a long, messy and complex process and are impatient.

Many coaches we have spoken with can often see and become frustrated in this type of behaviour in parents as well, those who are expecting results, yet the attitude and approach of their children is not giving them any chance of achieving them.

There is a lot for us all to ponder and consider but what can we do as parents to ensure that the opportunities and privileges that we may be able to provide our children with do not lead to a display of ‘entitlement attitudes’ that may hinder them both in and out of sport?

• Set consistent boundaries and stick to them

This is not always easy but ensuring that our children do not get away with poor behaviour is a great starting point. Help establish clear boundaries and consequences, have healthy expectations, stay consistent to your values as a family and do not condone any poor behaviour that goes against this.

The more we let things slide, letting the small things go and make allowances for poor behaviour the more challenging it will become later on in trying to re-establish these boundaries.

• Don’t feel you need to react and respond immediately to their demands

This can happen regularly if we are talking about some smaller things but things that are bigger than this, we need to help our children understand that not everything can be instant.

• Try not to do everything for them

Encourage them to start taking some responsibility. This can range from giving them chores and roles at home to encouraging them to pack their own bags and help you with their scheduling for the week. It should not always be down to you!

• Don’t fight all of your child’s battles for them

There are many times as parents where our instinct is to go in and protect particularly when things have gone wrong.

However, take a step back and ask yourself if you are truly needed?

Will this problem solve itself?

Is this just some disappointment that my child will have to go through?

Can they solve the problem by speaking to a teacher, coach or teammate?

Encourage your children to problem solve, guide them in the right direction offering suggestions but try to let them take ownership of situations where that is possible.

However, this does not apply when things are totally out of order and control and needs adult intervention. Never be afraid to speak up and step in at this stage.

• Help them become more process rather than outcome driven

Try not to become too fixated on outcomes or outcome goals, sometimes we are in very little control of some of these.

Instead get them to focus on the processes that may help them achieve their goals and outcomes.

Celebrate and cheer with your children when they display some of the amazing traits that underpin them as people which will ultimately lead to positive outcomes in the long run.

Determination, resilience, creativity, being a good teammate, being adaptable, making good decisions, being good communicators to name just a few.

•  Help them to understand disappointment, failure and making mistakes are part of life

This is one of the hardest things for us to go through as a parent and can be so tough when our children are involved in sport. However, if we can get comfortable and our children comfortable that these are all part of the sporting journey, are going to be an inevitable part of their lives and work with them to react positively and find solutions as they arise then we will be going a long way to helping them see the world for what it is.

This is a far easier thing to support and manage when our children are younger than trying to pick up the pieces with teenagers whose behaviours and thought processes are more firmly ingrained.

Much of it may not apply to you but our own self-awareness around our children’s sport as many of you will have heard me speak about before is essential and this is jut another thing for us to consider in our own contexts.

In this episode sports psychologist, author, podcaster and former professional golfer Dan Abrahams and Gordon MacLelland discuss match-day and competition, what that means for our children and how we can best support the process as parents.

During the conversation they discuss amongst other things:

• Learning to sit back, watch and enjoy the experience of seeing our children compete
• Learning simple techniques and strategies to help manage the competition environment
• Having a parent face – borrow from memory, imagination and perception
• Having a stretch and support dial for our children both in and out of sport
• Allowing children to take sport seriously if they wish to in a healthy and safe way
• Use a scaling technique with our children to talk about their sport, strip away the emotion and then be able to follow up with great questions
• Asking our children how we can best support them?
• Working together to co-collaborate and work in partnership with our children
• Stripping away performance indicators that are out of our control
• Game outcomes, performance outcomes and performance processes and focussing as parents on the latter
• Creating a ‘match script’ with our children around tasks that are specific, controllable and positive
• Following up the ‘match script’ with healthy conversations and stretching and supporting our children
• The difference between ‘mastery oriented’ and ‘ego oriented’ environments and the huge benefits of the former
• Becoming comfortable with disappointment and allowing our children the space to work through it
• Not rushing to have dialogue immediately after training and competition
• Co-collaborating with our children around the environment they want for the ‘Car Journey Home’

Dan Abrahams is a sport and performance psychologist. A former professional golfer, Dan has 25 years experience in high performance sport, and has spent the last 15 years as a qualified sport psychologist working with some of the best sports competitors in the world. He has held several senior positions in British sport including Lead Psychologist for England Golf and for England Rugby (working alongside Eddie Jones in the lead up to the 2019 Rugby World Cup). He has held contracts with a number of Premier League football teams, and is regarded as one of the go-to sport psychologists for elite athletes globally. He is the author of four best-selling books, one of which, ‘Soccer Tough’, was named by Gareth Bale as a book that changed his life. Dan also has a podcast (The Sport Psych Show) which has one million downloads, making it one of the leading sport psychology podcasts globally. 

However, I cannot help feeling that the motives behind the original messaging have become severely misinterpreted, just like a very poor game of ‘Chinese Whispers.’

Encouraged by this latest video with Steve Hansen, we finally decided to put pen to paper. Steve immediately dispels the myth around No. 2 ‘work ethic’ on the list based on his experiences in coaching. He reflects on how it is an important skill but acknowledges that it needs to taught and developed.

My guess is that the original message was very much based around 10 things that we perhaps have a greater control over than some of the things that we can’t control.

In our workshops we talk to parents about investing our energy on things that we can really control and not on those things that we are not in control of. We cannot control if our children are going to become professional sportsmen or women as there are too many factors so far out of our control.

Both parents and children are not really in control of injuries, selections, genetics, how we go through puberty, peer pressure within a group to name but a few but can perhaps influence the environments that nurture some of the skills that have been listed above.

The problem is that all of these skills that so call require ‘zero talent’ need effectively nurturing by parents, teachers and coaches and are supported by the environments that they create for young people. No one doubts that all of these are extremely valuable skills that we would all want our children to have and would allow young people to thrive in whichever walk of life they choose to go and are vital in performance programmes to ensure that we are creating multi-faceted individuals.

Our initial reaction when reading the list as parents or coaches is that this makes sense, but do they require talent? Of course, they do.
Anything learned is a skill both physically and mentally and if people think they are easy to learn, why does everyone not possess these traits?

Neil Warnock the Middlesbrough manager in the press when discussing bright hopeful of current Tottenham Hotspur player Djed Spence said, ‘Djed could end up playing at the top of the Premier League or in non-league.’ He says the full-back has “all the tools” to play at the top, but “application and dedication” will determine how Spence’s career plays out. Yet we expect young players to just instantly possess these traits.

We would all like to see young people with a great attitude but what does that mean to them? Have we ever spoken to them about it.
Everton manager Sean Dyche discusses his views around attitude here and what it means to him and for those that he may coach.

Sport undoubtedly provides one of the safest and best opportunities for a lot of these skills to be developed if the emphasis is also being placed on them by coaches and reinforced by positive messages around them coming from home. Many of these skills may fall by the wayside if everything is too results focussed and not enough time is invested in the processes making up the performance.

‘First ask how much passion and perseverance you have for your own life goals.  Then ask yourself how likely it is that your approach to parenting encourages your child to emulate you. Your children will be watching you.’ (Grit by Angela Duckworth)

We often talk about how parents on the whole have the biggest influence over their children and their behaviours, whilst recognising the impact that can also be made by teachers, coaches and relatives.  We also know that the biggest achievements made by young children are when coach/parent or teacher/coach are working together to deliver the same consistent messages and behaviours.

If this is the case, the responsibility we have as parents around our children’s sport is huge as our children will be watching and listening to us.

All of the behaviours that we exhibit, what we value, what we say and how we deal with situations will be taken at face value by our children and likely repeated.  How many times in sport have we heard statements come from a child’s mouth and we think, ‘you can’t have come up with that, who has put those words into your mouth?’

Children inherently take their cues from parents.  We help them develop how they should feel about the world and others, the manner in which they interact, and the beliefs they carry. We shape their system of thought and action with our own.

Think about what you want your child to see and hear, how you want them to behave and how you want them to perceive the world.  Remember they will be watching and listening to you for their cue!

As our children grow, become teenagers and end up in sporting environments, some in performance pathways or in the professional game then we would hope to see a lot of these traits on a regular basis. However, even then it can be more complicated than that as we will not see it from everyone every day.

Dan Abrahams a sports psychologist sums this all up beautifully,

‘Don’t you know these things require zero talent? How dare you not adhere to this list every day. How dare you experience low mood, anxiety, a drop in confidence, self-consciousness, perfectionism, vulnerability, frustration, doubt, worry, confusion…come on, you MUST do these!

As coaches you can certainly expect them but due to their complexity you won’t see them every time. You’ll see them more when players develop the skills (eg life and mental skills) that improve their ability to demonstrate them.’

We are often asked by parents, ‘how do I know if it has all been worth it?’

Well we have finally come up with the answer that if our children are equipped with the following set of skills and that is our focus as parents during the sporting experience, we will have certainly raised some very well-rounded individuals.

In our workshops we discuss how we can help support these skills as a parent and that is a blog for another day but the reality is that as parents as we watch a week of training and a performance in a competitive situation that if we see these skills more often than not there is a good chance that their performance will have been of a really good level regardless of the outcome.

I challenges parents, coaches and teachers that the next time you see this list ‘10 things that require zero talent’ and think children should just have them to spend some time and explain what they are, what it means for them in their context and how by developing these skills it may have a positive impact on their life, well-being and what they go on to achieve.

Most importantly, model these behaviours on a regular basis and when you see your children or the people you coach display them, reinforce and celebrate them from the rooftops! These young children will then know that these ‘talents’ are important and that you truly value them and see their importance as a key part of any sporting experience.

Influences on Parental Involvement in youth sport

Understanding the increase in parents involvement in organized youth sports

This scene is not reserved for the oldest, or highest performing, children.  It is immune to variations in sport, sex, age and ability.  It is driven by a primal desire. To win. And a fundamental misunderstanding of what winning means in youth sport. That finishing the game with more goals than the opposition is only one of the victories in schools and clubs.  Certainly, an important one. Learning the pursuit of competitive success is a central purpose of all sport.  But how victory is achieved, and an atmosphere of adaptive competition, is at least as important as whether it is achieved.

One of the many ironies of this situation is the contrasting sector expectations of self control.  Schools and clubs expect their players to display discipline, respect the referee and treat opponents with dignity.  The sanctions for moments of onfield hot-headedness are clear and uncompromising.  But these creditable expectations evaporate at the white line.  Beyond the pitch, onlooking adults often display the opposite.

A second inconsistency is that no one believes that winning comfortably every week is a worthwhile developmental experience.  One sided games are widely dismissed as a “waste of time” from which “no one benefits”.  But on the touchline, in the heat of the moment, this is what many spectators celebrate.

Sport brings out the best and worst in people.  It takes the human condition and adds unmanageable emotion.  Without a clear culture of self control, it can strip the occasion of much of its joy.  Pressure to win discourages creativity, experimentation, risk taking and joy.  It leads to playing opportunities being unevenly distributed.  It seeks to humiliate the opponent, rather than recognise their contribution to the contest.  “Thanks for the game” is not always communicated with sincerity. The RFU’s controversial Age Grade Competition Review is based on incontrovertible evidence that a trophy on the table changes behaviour in youth sport – but it’s not the behaviour of the players. It’s the adults.  And it doesn’t change it for the better.

Educating parents can be a bigger challenge than shaping the values of children.  But the future of school and club sport is dependent upon it.  As is quality controlling coach behaviour on the touchline.  Both constituencies are exemplars: where adult conduct is poor, player behaviour is rarely better.  Schools and clubs need to be more proactive to ensure that the environment is appropriate and developmental.  The role of the adults in contributing to this has been overlooked and underestimated.  The reasons for this need to be communicated away from the cauldron of emotion, and both parents and coaches should be held to account in the way that the children certainly would be.

In the cold light of day, medium term objectives are easy to agree.  Development, love of the game, playing with friends are readily acknowledged as important.  But talk is cheap.  The measure of the strength of an organisation’s development culture is whether it can survive the destructive surge of touchline emotion on match day.  Schools and clubs need to be clear what combination of things they value in sport, and articulate the reputation they seek.  If everything is confined to scores and results, it is easy to assume that this is what is valued ahead of all else.