One thing that has not changed in the background is how important the role of the parent is in a young persons life as on the whole they remain most influential character in their lives in most cases till their early-mid teenage years. In youth sport this has remained an untapped resource and ally in many sporting environments for clubs and coaches.
With a fear in some sports that are losing young people from sport and physical activity, it is more important than ever that the environments we create around our sporting experiences are positive, inclusive of everyone and really engaging.
Some of the key ingredients for this include better facilities, high quality coaching and an environment around the experience that allows young people to thrive and develop individually in and out of their sport. The final point certainly requires the help and support of parents.
We have seen huge strides taken by sporting organisations over the last few years to foster a more positive relationship with parents, recognising the importance of their role and finding new and innovative ways of sharing information with them as well as providing much more support in order to give parents the best chance of motivating, supporting and managing their children’s sporting experience so that it is a positive environment for all.
We cannot rest on our laurels, leadership in sporting environments needs to be strong and effective, promoting transparent environments that encourage parents to be a key part in the process.
As a former coach myself, I understand the fear of coaches that if we open the door to much that parents will start to become overly involved which actually is not healthy for anyone. However this can be averted by having a well thought out communication policy and a set of expectations that everyone buys into before any season or programme gets underway, along with continued dialogue throughout the sporting journey.
In an ideal world, we will have environments where sporting organisations are creating a positive parent culture, children are taking ownership of their sporting experience, coaches are delivering highly effective and engaging sessions and there is an understanding from parents of their role and what is going on throughout the process bound together by everyone working in harmony in the best interests of the child.
This may be a big wish and is very much a work in progress but there are definite signs for optimism. We look forward to playing a small part in ensuring that sport and physical activity is enjoyed by all parties and continues to provide inspiration for the next generation of children.
If we can help support your programme in any way please do not hesitate to get in touch. We offer customised programmes with real flexibility that will work for you, your sport and your environment. Send an email to gordon@wwpis.co.uk to book a free consultation.
]]>
Host of the podcast John Davis said,
‘Whilst many individuals and organisations recognise the need for change, these gentlemen and their companies are leading the charge in changing the youth sport landscape. Their perspectives are both unique and refreshing…and they provide a practical “way ahead” as we emerge from the pandemic and begin to reshape the future!’
We hope that you enjoy the video recording of the show but if you would like to download and listen to the audio then click here.
]]>
WWPIS have customised both books and created a site for parents and coaches that allow them to watch and join in with our interactive workshops, something that is becoming more popular with organisations who struggle to get all of their parents and coaches in the same room on any given occasion.
It has also been fantastic to tailor the product based on feedback from parents and coaches within the triathlon community.
Mick Delamotte(Coach and Pathway Manager Triathlon NSW) – ‘Having followed the work and utilised the resources of WWPIS personally for some time, I am excited by the opportunity to introduce a partnership with Triathlon NSW through two important demographics of our membership base, parents and coaches. I know the resources will be helpful to our growing community and assist in the engagement and overall effective communication between these groups to ensure our youth & junior participants sporting experience is enhanced in the longer term.”
Despite the distance between the two organisations, regular updates and consultancy ensure that we are delivering a high quality product to the Triathlon community in New South Wales.
This project further expands the work that we are doing in New South Wales adding to our existing partnership with the Little Athletics Franchise.
]]>
Parents are too often seen as the problem not the solution. That’s the feeling of many coaches who perceive parental interference causing them, and by dint of association, their players unwanted aggravation.
According to more recent research, this is not the case. And it’s the players who are telling us this. The RFU, increasingly conscious of the welfare of their players, especially players on their elite pathways, have brought in the expertise of Dr Camilla Knight, who is an associate professor in Sport Science at Swansea University.
Her team has been given unprecedented access to the players, parents and coaches at the Wellington Festival over the last two years. The festival, which brings together around 420 players from 14 Premiership academies, is a goldmine for researchers. Their target dataset is all in one place and so they can gather an enormous amount of focused information.
START WITH THE RUGBY JOURNEY
Using informal settings, groups of players (and later on parents, coaches, teachers, and academy staff) were asked about their rugby journeys so far.
“It’s honest, and it’s relaxed because it’s in a group,” says Dr Knight. “The players were happy to open up and share stories. They talked about other parents’ behaviours too, which allowed them to perhaps relate personal experiences. It was all completely confidential. We wanted to find out who had helped them, and what might have derailed them.”
“There was so much data to work through. Our first focus was on discovering more about the parents’ role in the player’s rugby life. At the start, at a young age, the players relied on the parents very heavily. As the player realised they were had some potential, they began to listen more to their peers and coaches. However, crucially, the parents remained their main source of support.
MUMS AND DADS – DIFFERENT CONVERSATIONS
“The players explained that they tended to ask dad for technical advice and mum for emotional support. It was certainly very gendered, and this is backed up by our research in Wales on parental involvement.
“When looking at parents’ experiences of supporting their children in rugby, we also see other differences between mothers and fathers, with mothers indicating far more concerns about injuries, whereas fathers were often more likely to have played and so know about the collision outcomes.”
The key message that keeps coming across from this research, and this approach, is that all participants in the game need to keep conversations going. Each stakeholder has many pulls on their lives. It’s tough when a 16 year-old player is being asked to make choices over their playing loyalties.
In the meantime, the parent is looking out for their son or daughter, while the coach is hoping to develop the player.
“It was interesting that parents often helped players balance demands and expectations. The players liked the fact their parents were keen for them to do well. However, if the coach was too pushy, then the parent was able to reduce that pressure. As the player got older, they want their parents to be a little less vocal, probably as their peers and coaches do became more influential.”
COACHES LEARNING MORE
“We recognise that parents are trying to do the right thing. They will make mistakes, and not always know what to do. The players recognise this too. But understanding the intention is well meaning is important.
“Coaches must embrace parents. If they are giving out a message on say leadership to the players, then the parents need to know this so they can reinforce that message at home. Otherwise the impact is lost.
“Also, we should support parents with the difficult conversations that are going to arise. If they’ve considered the possible answers, it makes it easier to react positively to issues like being dropped or getting injured.”
While the RFU research has been around the academy game, Dr Knight highlights how it can be used across all levels. “We need to upskill parents with more information. Initially, it’s about the pathway. Then, it’s using the game to create “good” people. Let parents know what you are doing so it can be reinforced at home. Help parents know how to support their child’s emotional needs.”
KEY TAKEAWAYS
Dr Knight emphasises that there is still an enormous amount of data to analyse on other relationships. However, from the point of view of coaches, the key takeaways are:
- Players rely heavily on parents. So, don’t push away a key part of the player’s support system.
- Parents want to do the right thing. Help them to see what they can do and support them in trying to do this.
- Communicate messages to the parents that you are giving to the players. It can then be reinforced at home.
To read the research paper please click here.
]]>Early in my coaching career, I was speaking with a parent of an athlete about the methods employed by the coach. The parent explained how the coach ruled by fear and demeaned the children, but they won a lot of games and the kids were getting exposure to great opportunities. The parent didn’t seemed alarmed by this behaviour.
I asked if the Coach’s behaviour was acceptable.
“Not really, but he gets results.”
A year later, that same parent brought the athlete to one of my soccer camps and asked me to use the week to help “fix” the athlete.
“Fix what?” I asked.
“I need you to undo all the damage the coach has done. She is lacking confidence, playing tentatively, and seems to not be enjoying the experience at all.”
What good would I do in one week to undo all the damage done by a coach who has had years with her? I was furious. The parent had to see the damage this coach was doing.
“You need to find a new coach.” I said. I couldn’t “fix” her in a week. Besides, the coach would simply unravel all I did with his first practice.
“I understand, but he is our best shot at getting into a good college, and he gets great results.”
This girl was 12.
I did my best to build this athlete back up, bolster confidence, and help with coping with stress that week. I knew all I had done would be gone within a week of being verbally abused and fear-mongered by the other coach.
Two years later, after my TEDx talk on the Power of a Coach’s Words, I got a message from that same parent.
She revealed her daughter was an emotional and physical wreck. There were signs of depression, lack of confidence, regular meltdowns, and an unwillingness to participate in sport. The child was broken.
The parent said, “You were right. I should have found a new coach years ago. It’s too late. The damage is done.”
The damage to this young athlete was done.
It was avoidable.
I cannot imagine what a parent must feel like in that situation. The guilt. The shame. The embarrassment of allowing her daughter to be treated so poorly, and her short sighted approach to sport. She risked everything for a few trophies and empty promises at future success. I cannot imagine the helplessness that parent feels now that her child is ruined and those promises are gone.
Further, I cannot imagine how powerless it must feel as a parent to sit back and watch this abuse happening…and feel like you cannot do anything about it! It would not happen in school, dance, or music. Why allow it in sport?
Just this week, we had another example of terrible, abusive treatment of an athlete, only this time the athlete was able to record it:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?
Why do we allow this? Why would we go back to it after we have seen a better way to coach and treat children? Why will we not advocate for our own children just because someone gets a few positive results in the win column?
There is no place in coaching for adults who treat children this way.
The only way to stop it is for parents to stand up, not simply for the current athlete, but the future human being!
We fail our kids when we ignore the very real long-term damage of abusive coaching for the fleeting celebrations of short-term results. Besides, there are far more coaches who don’t verbally abuse players getting the same kinds of results, but also building up excellent humans too.
The belief that abusive behaviour towards children is acceptable as long as the adult goals are achieved can be dangerous. We see this across all youth sports at all levels of play. As long as the kids are winning, the unacceptable behaviour is not only permitted and forgiven, but in many cases it can be celebrated and rewarded. It is a short-term view. This is a sprint to the wrong finish line when we allow the wrong means to justify the wrong ends.
Science says that negative coaching is a short-sighted viewpoint.
Negative coaching provides, at best, short-term results. Any person may perform at what we believe is “optimum” output for a short period of time under extreme duress, but research shows at some point the stress will be too much for the performer. As the stress continues to increase the performance will no longer correlate with it. In fact, performance will subsequently “drop off the cliff” inversely with the amount of stress. (See the Yerkes-Dodson Law for more.)
The physical ability of the body can only sustain so much stress before it succumbs. It is not just the arousal-performance curve that proves this is short-sighted. Genetics plays a role. We tend to correlate successful outcomes in children with the adult-employed methods and techniques, though we should be cautious in taking credit at all times. We can scream at a group of 8 year-olds for ten weeks, demean them, pit them against each other, punish the ones who cannot perform and reward the ones who can, and see tremendous leaps in skill, but that does not mean it correlates with our coaching. Saying their success is a direct result of the coach’s work is akin to what Nate Silver talked about in The Signal and the Noise:
“Most of you will have heard the maxim “correlation does not imply causation.” Just because two variables have a statistical relationship with each other does not mean that one is responsible for the other. For instance, ice cream sales and forest fires are correlated because both occur more often in the summer heat. But there is no causation; you don’t light a patch of the Montana brush on fire when you buy a pint of Haagen-Dazs.”
In fact, genetics and normal childhood development may play a greater role than any screaming a coach. Some children develop faster than others. Some win the genetic lottery and perform well at young ages in comparison to peers. No outside force created the rapid development. It was mere biological development. They were more physically apt to perform the skills and progressed quickly.
Secondly, the change is more related to brain development than a screamer with a clipboard. The child’s brain is filled with billions of neural connections. At young ages, the brain is rapidly developing and changing as children interact with the world around them. Synaptic connections are either pruned or enhanced based on whether they are used. Use a certain neural connection more often and it fires more efficiently. This is skill. Build a neural pathway, use it more often, make it more efficient. Do not use it enough and the brain will prune that connection. Some children are building neural skill highways and that shows very clear skill development.
This also explains why some children can fare better than others. This is where the coach’s words can actually correlate with development. Some kids are simply ahead in the development process and can perform the requested skill. Some are not. The ones who perform well get encouragement or praise and will attempt it again and again to receive that praise.
Others fail at the skill and are ridiculed by the coach. The brain is stressed. The amygdala reacts, hindering performance. The skill is not “grooved”. Furthermore, they avoid performing the skill in the future to avoid the pain of ridicule. The neural pathway is neglected and pruned.
Sport is a marathon. Aim for the right finish line and there’s no need to sprint. Exercise patience, have empathy, and let sports develop what matters more than a few victories: values, life skills, habits of excellence, and behaviors that benefit children when the game ends.
What is the long-term damage?
Even if a coach is getting results with negative coaching behaviours now, those behaviours are detrimental to long-term success. Biology, brain science, and psychological adaptation may account for results in the first few years of exposure to this kind of behaviour, but in the long run, the system will break down under the stress.
What long-term cost will the negative words our coaches speak to our children have on them? Is this worth the “results” we see now?
Think of it like a fuel line in a high-performance vehicle. We add something to the fuel to give it a boost for short runs. We win a few races because our car is faster than the others, but that additive is building up in the fueling line. Soon that additive clogs the fuel line enough that less fuel is getting through. That clogging will one day not only prohibit peak performance, it could cause the entire engine to shut down.
The negative words our coaches use with our children are the additive to the fuel. Children are processing their own words, their parents’ words, their teammates’ words, and so on. The coach’s words, because of the immense influential power we hold, are the fuel additive. Positive words are clean burning and leave no “build up”. Negative words leave a residue.
They aren’t simply spoken and forgotten. They are remembered. They leave marks. They build up until the player no longer has a voice of his or her own. The player only hears the words of the coach. Those are the echoes they hear. The negative words will prohibit performance and destroy the engine in the long run.
Short-term results from destructive language toward children extracts a massive long-term cost. Are those short-term results worth it? (Here is a list of the actual damage done by verbal abuse)
What is a parent to do?
We must focus on the development of the future human and not the current athlete and results. What do we want for our children 20 years from now? When the ball stops rolling and life takes over, do their sport skills become life skills? Sports has that massive opportunity to shape character traits teach life skills but only if we make that the priority instead of “results”.
We must evaluate coaches and clubs on how they positively impact the future human and not whether they get these short-term results. We must hold coaches accountable to the same standards we would expect of any other adult who holds tremendous influence over our children.
We must be our child’s advocate. Instead of stressing over playing time or which team they made, we should be ensuring they are in the right environment to help them grow and develop into the amazing humans we wish them to be.
We must find a coach that keeps them loving the game. Remember 0% of children who quit sports get an athletic scholarship. First and foremost they must love the game and stay in the game, and negative coaching usually drives them out.
Think about the conversation you’ll have with your child in 20 years. When you look back on the sporting career and the lessons learned. When you evaluate whether it was all worth it. Will you be apologising to your child for not getting her away from that abusive coach sooner? Or will you be grateful she had an experience with an amazing adult who helped transform her into this truly wonderful human being too? Were the “results” of a few youth sports tournaments worth trading the future happiness and success of your child?
Nothing will change until we become advocates for the children in the game, whether they are our flesh and blood, or another’s. Take the long view, mum and dad, and choose to end abusive coaching.
We don’t need to feel helpless about the way coaches treat our children ever again.
]]>
Have I come out of the other side unscathed? Of course, I have.
Will my child ever have any idea about how I was feeling? Of course, he won’t.
However, I felt it was right to put pen to paper to highlight some of my thoughts from the experience…..
My son was invited to take part in an international football tournament, travelling abroad for 4 days. Lucky boy you may say, but there was no parental involvement and we dropped our children off in England and put them into the care of their coaches as they prepared to fly into Europe.
Was I worried? Of course. His mum even more so for all of the reasons that you would expect any mum to be when letting their child go into the hands of others.
To put this story into perspective, my son is 9 years old and has never been away for that amount of time other than with grandparents and has certainly never travelled alone to another country.
Was I disappointed that we were unable to go and watch? Of course, I was, I would have loved to have seen him in action against some of the top football clubs in Europe, but this was purely a selfish view point.
This was an amazing opportunity for him to develop some of those life and character skills that we talk so much about here at WWPIS.
As parents, we had to trust that we would be well looked after and hope that many of the things that we have tried to celebrate at home over the years and some of the values instilled in him would carry him in good stead for the duration of the trip.
What was I hoping that he would gain by allowing him to go?
I knew that it would allow him to experience something totally unique. Been away with his friends would allow him to have all of the fun and banter and allow him to express himself without his parents perhaps being an overbearing presence.
He would have to make good decisions based around his behaviour and conduct, representing his football club and himself.
He would have to organise himself, ensuring that he had all of his correct kit at the right time, not always an easy skill as many of you will vouch for with a child of that age.
He would have to communicate well with other children and adults, solve problems if he had any by asking for help when it was required.
If the going got tough which it certainly did on the second day of the tournament that he would have to dig deep and show some resilience without the comforting arm of a parent.
I also hoped that we would just have the best time ever, experiencing another country and culture both on and off the field.
Did I need to worry?
No not at all, but this whole experience was made more manageable by the conduct and communication of the coaches who took the trip. For any coaches reading this, the quality of communication from coaches to parents prior to the trip and during the course of the weekend was first class.
For those coaches who have heard us speak one of our big messages to coaches is to proactively communicate and ensure parents know what is happening. A lot of parental angst is caused by the lack of the unknown.
A tour meeting was held prior to the trip to hand in passports, discuss the itinerary and give parents the opportunity to ask questions and voice any concerns (this included making sure the coaches knew that some of the children could not work the showers in the hotels).
On the trip, regular messages including pictures were sent from the staff to the parents including the bus journey, the airport, the hotel, the tournament itself and meal times via a WhatsApp group.
It was great to see from the pictures that our son and all of the boys were really enjoying themselves and it immediately put our minds at rest when it would have been very easy to spend the whole weekend worrying. It actually turned it into a very pleasant experience, all thanks to some outstanding work from the coaches. Plenty of goodwill has been created by their attitude and approach.
We were informed as parents that the children would only be given their phones for one hour in the evenings to encourage them to properly buy into being a touring group abroad. A great initiative at a time when many children can often miss out on many life experiences by having their heads buried in a device.
The key once again was that we knew this was the case and were not worried that our son had not been in touch.
The chat when he got home
When he returned home he was full of chat about everyone and everything. We thought he would be shattered but he just wanted to talk and talk.
I asked him my usual question about what was the best bit?
It was greeted with a response about how beautiful the hotel was, how good the sausages were to eat (he was in Germany) and his experience of sharing a room with his friend who he has played with for the last five years.
He told tales about hair products and games played in the park after the close of play on Sunday.
Not one mention of the football itself. We often talk about how the world is seen very differently through the eyes of a child and this again reinforced this message. I wanted to know about everything else but I also wanted to know a bit about the football tournament.
I knew the results as I had followed them on the website over the course of the weekend but wanted to know more?
Tell me about the football I asked?
I was captain all day Saturday and I scored a late equaliser in the top corner to ensure that we were top of the group! Captain of his hometown club, a rare goal for him and he may never have told me just like when he met Steven Gerrard and told me three months later on Christmas Day.
I was a super proud dad, not for the football part but for his humility, attitude and the fact that he had gone away and learnt a huge amount about himself and picked up some valuable life skills along the way!
My challenge to all of us as sporting parents is do we celebrate these life skills and character traits enough?
For some useful tips about your child travelling abroad including a packing list, visit our Members Area and click here.
]]>