Wow!  Is that all of us, I thought? I really appreciate you putting me in one huge group and labelling us all under the same bracket.

However, it then got me thinking about my own parents and my own parenting, and things I think we do better now but some things I don’t think we did as well as them.

Is there an element of truth in the above and what is the impact on that in raising young performers?

Do we have to support young performers who are trying to achieve at the highest levels differently to societal norms, as elements of performance haven’t changed?

Modern parenting can often feel like coaching in a big game. We feel under pressure, surrounded by competition, and constantly told that if we don’t push hard enough, our kids will “get left behind.”

Many parents we speak to share their late-night thoughts including their anxieties and how they worry about the choices they are making whilst second-guessing themselves when they hear others are doing something different.

Sporting programmes can inadvertently magnify this pressure even more.

But here’s the catch: some of today’s parenting habits—though well-intentioned—are the very things we may look back on and later regret, if we haven’t really thought things through.

Here are a few of the things that crop up during our sessions: (there are many more)

Over scheduling and Overtraining

This is a tough one. A number one answer in our sessions from parents of when they find sports parenting challenging is balancing logistics. Let’s be clear, to be good at something there will certainly have to be commitment and at times it may feel relentless.

Some parents whose children are excelling at a young age may not have a choice depending on where they live and the demands of the programmes they are involved with.

However, we need to be wary that everything over a 12-month period needs some balance. This includes trying to facilitate family time, holidays and the pursuit of other hobbies and interests whilst ensuring enough time is given to continue to make healthy progress in the sport they may be excelling at.

Many of the world’s top performers played several sports when they were younger and not eliminating too many of these too early is sound advice.

“Michael Jordan didn’t just play basketball—he played baseball, too. That balance helped him become the athlete he was.”

However, think of Freddie Adu, once dubbed “the next Pelé.” At just 14, he signed a professional contract, played under enormous pressure, and was on every magazine cover. By 22, he was burnt out, his love for the game diminished.

Parents often say later, ‘I wish we had slowed down a bit and made some better choices along the way.’ Hindsight can be a wonderful thing.

Defining Success by Trophies

When Serena and Venus Williams were children, their father, Richard, often told them:

“This is bigger than tennis. You’re going to change the world.”

Notice—he wasn’t talking about trophies or rankings. He framed success as effort, character, and impact.

Compare that to parents who measure every season by outcomes. I have had teenage athletes say to me, “If I don’t score, I feel like I let my parents down and they keep asking me where I think I rank on my team.” That kind of pressure doesn’t build champions—it builds anxiety.

To raise young performers, we need to be helping our children understand why they are winning and why they are achieving positive outcomes, and this comes back to the development of key character traits.

Something that is only going to happen if as parents we can help support the development of these traits through shining a light on them, reinforcing their value and discussing them with them.

The common sporting conversation and narrative of ‘did you win, did you score and how did you play compared to everyone else’ needs to have much greater depth to it as if that is the only conversation that ever takes place around young people’s sport it is unlikely to do that. It merely adds fuel to the notion that any success is purely defined by specific outcomes.

Living Through our Child’s Achievements

Andre Agassi, in his autobiography Open, recalls how his father pushed him relentlessly, even building a ball machine nicknamed “The Dragon” to feed him 2,500 balls a day. Agassi became a champion—but he also admitted he hated tennis for much of his life.

“I won matches. I earned millions. But I hated tennis.” — Andre Agassi

Many modern parents fall into the same trap: they see their child’s sport as their own second chance.

There is nothing wrong with being proud of our kids and being invested in their sport

Our young athletes thrive when we support without controlling—when kids know that this is their journey, and that we are their biggest supporters, not necessarily second coaches.

As our children get older our ability to move from the driver’s seat to the pit lane as a parent is essential to create independent, self organised and driven young people.

Forgetting the Whole Person Beyond their Sport

One of the discussions I always have with parents is along the lines of ‘What do you want for your children from their sporting experience and what will they do tomorrow if it all ends?’

Yes, young people can be all in and heavily invested in their sport, however I also know it is far easier to develop rounded individuals along the way rather than at the very end.

Many athletes have had every aspect of their life controlled to maximise their athletic future. Meals, workouts, even friendships are monitored, supposedly to meet goals or to be the perfect product of modern parenting—but the pressure can consume people and there is a dark side.

Olympian Ian Thorpe — “I felt like I was swimming for everyone else, not for me. That’s when I knew something was wrong.”

NBA Legend Larry Bird — “Push too hard and the love for the game disappears. Then it’s just work, not play.”

We are not fans of ‘Plan B’ for young people as we do not like that specific narrative, but we are fans of supporting the development of multi-faceted young people with different strings to their bow.

If you contrast some peoples experience with that of Roger Federer, whose parents encouraged him to play multiple sports until he was 12.

He credits that balance for his longevity and love of tennis.

“I was never forced to play tennis. That’s why I still love it today.” — Roger Federer

Parenting for the Long Game

Years from now, your child won’t remember all of their sporting days and their outcomes.

As we live in the moment now without a crystal ball for what the future may hold or without any guarantees that no matter what we facilitate, and our children give to their sport they may still not achieve what they are currently aspiring to. A really uncomfortable place top be as a sporting parent, but can we shift the narrative?

What we maybe can guarantee is that when it is all over, they will remember how you made them feel.

Did they feel valued, even after mistakes? Did they feel safe to fail? Did they feel supported beyond the game?

The real goal is raising a child who loves their sport, loves themselves, and carries those lessons into every corner of life.

One thing that has not changed in the background is how important the role of the parent is in a young persons life as on the whole they remain most influential character in their lives in most cases till their early-mid teenage years. In youth sport this has remained an untapped resource and ally in many sporting environments for clubs and coaches.

With a fear in some sports that are losing young people from sport and physical activity, it is more important than ever that the environments we create around our sporting experiences are positive, inclusive of everyone and really engaging.

Some of the key ingredients for this include better facilities, high quality coaching and an environment around the experience that allows young people to thrive and develop individually in and out of their sport. The final point certainly requires the help and support of parents.

We have seen huge strides taken by sporting organisations over the last few years to foster a more positive relationship with parents, recognising the importance of their role and finding new and innovative ways of sharing information with them as well as providing much more support in order to give parents the best chance of motivating, supporting and managing their children’s sporting experience so that it is a positive environment for all.

We cannot rest on our laurels, leadership in sporting environments needs to be strong and effective, promoting transparent environments that encourage parents to be a key part in the process.

As a former coach myself, I understand the fear of coaches that if we open the door to much that parents will start to become overly involved which actually is not healthy for anyone. However this can be averted by having a well thought out communication policy and a set of expectations that everyone buys into before any season or programme gets underway, along with continued dialogue throughout the sporting journey.

In an ideal world, we will have environments where sporting organisations are creating a positive parent culture, children are taking ownership of their sporting experience, coaches are delivering highly effective and engaging sessions and there is an understanding from parents of their role and what is going on throughout the process bound together by everyone working in harmony in the best interests of the child.

This may be a big wish and is very much a work in progress but there are definite signs for optimism.  We look forward to playing a small part in ensuring that sport and physical activity is enjoyed by all parties and continues to provide inspiration for the next generation of children.

If we can help support your programme in any way please do not hesitate to get in touch. We offer customised programmes with real flexibility that will work for you, your sport and your environment. Send an email to gordon@wwpis.co.uk to book a free consultation.

Despite growing awareness, many of us are still not as open as we could be when it comes to talking
about mental health. We’re often confused by labels, unsure of what they mean, and we tend to nod,
smile, and carry on without genuinely checking in on our mental state or considering how we can protect
and nurture it.

So, this week, I dare you to really think about it — not just for yourself, but for your children too.

As parents, it’s all too easy to forget about ourselves. We’re so focused on our kids’ needs that we lose
sight of the small things that make us feel good. The week fills up quickly with activities for them, and
suddenly we’re glorified taxi drivers (more on that below!).

We often say, “I don’t have time for…” —
whether it’s an exercise class, reading a book, or calling a friend — because we have to do X, Y, and Z.
But here’s the truth: “Have to” is unhelpful language. More often than not, it’s simply not true. You’re
choosing to do those things — and that shift in mindset is powerful. It gives you back control. Be mindful
of the language you use with yourself. Words like “should” and “must” rarely serve us well.

Here are three simple steps to take this week:

Audit your time

You don’t need to overhaul your life — just find two hours in your week for activities that support your
mental health. Be honest about where your time goes (yes, including time on social media). Use the
template attached to help review your schedule.

Model healthy behaviour
Our children need to see us prioritising our own mental health — that’s how they learn to do it for
themselves. Be a model, not a martyr. Start a conversation about what you’re doing this week to take
care of yourself. Then flip the question: What do they need for their own mental health?

Use your travel time

Whether you’re commuting or chauffeuring kids around, use that time intentionally. You could:
• Practice breath work
• Do some exercise
• Play uplifting music
• Repeat positive affirmations
• Call a friend or family member whose energy helps you feel good

Ask yourself: What are you feeding your mind?

Let’s shift the narrative. “Mental health” isn’t a negative — it’s the goal. We want to be mentally healthy,
not just avoid mental illness.

Here’s a reflective task to help you this week and beyond:
Imagine you’re having a great week, feeling calm, content, and mentally strong.
• Who are you spending time with?
• What environments are you in?
• What are you eating?
• What media are you consuming?
• How are you spending your mornings, afternoons, and evenings?

Now, look ahead to this week:
• What do you need to add in?
• What do you need to take away?

This week, give yourself permission to prioritise your mental health — because your mind deserves the
same care and attention you give to everyone else.

Reposted with the kind permission of Paul Gamble of the Athlete Generation.

The willingness to try, fail and try again is a prerequisite for becoming better.

The urge for exploration comes to us naturally during the early years. Just as infants and toddlers play with making different sounds to acquire language, our innate curiosity leads us to engage in ‘motor babbling’ to figure out how to move our bodies so we can satisfy the desire to explore the world around us and investigate objects in our vicinity. By observing and trying things out for themselves, young children first acquire the rudiments of motor skills and then refine them over time through unceasing trial and error. In this seemingly haphazard way, we go from our initial hesitant bumbling attempts to mastering the highly complex and coordinated actions involved in locomotion and performing fine motor tasks demanding high degrees of dexterity.

A signature feature of the motor learning process is the falling short and falling over that happens at regular intervals along the way. During the early childhood years, our default response is simply to pick ourselves up and carry on undeterred. As the adage goes, if at first you don’t succeed, try and try again. Young kids are naturally tolerant of failing and steadfastly stick to the task. However, as they progress through childhood many pick up unhelpful habits of thought that increasingly get in the way. As young performers become older and more self-conscious, they may develop an aversion to integral aspects of the learning process as ego- and status-related concerns start to interfere with the pursuit.

From social cues and other sources many kids develop the impression that those who are smart or good at sport pick things up easily and effortlessly get things right by virtue of their innate abilities. From this starting point, having to put in effort is interpreted a sign that they are less skilled or less smart. By this logic, trying hard or worse still being seen to struggle acquires negative connotations. Perceiving that effort and struggle reflect poorly on the individual does not serve anybody and only reinforces negative feelings for kids who are already concerned about what others think of them. Aside from the fact that this mindset is not conducive to learning, it can lead young performers to sabotage their own efforts. When such concerns start to take over, it can become ‘if at first you don’t succeed, throw your toys and give up sparing yourself any risk of further embarrassment’.

It is understandable that kids who are self-conscious and insecure in their own capabilities might be afflicted by such ideas. What we must point out is that by choosing to opt out or otherwise giving up at the first sign of difficulty they deny themselves any route to developing the competence that would provide some assurance. Certainly, such a strategy makes it practically impossible to master any skill.

Whilst there might be guidance and instruction involved, learning any motor skill ultimately comes down to a process of trial and error. It is worth pointing out that there are two parts to this. First you must be willing to try out the new skill or different way of doing things and make a genuine, whole-hearted attempt. Next, you must be able to respond in a way that is adaptive when you fall short and get it wrong – as you inevitably will.

It is almost guaranteed that we will do things imperfectly when learning a new task or technique for the first time. Given the degree of coordination and complexity of the skills involved in pursuits such as sport and music there is essentially no such thing as being good when first starting out. Honing skills over time means committing to an iterative process of trial and error to explore the task and converge on the best solution. Whilst estimates vary (10,000 hours?), it is generally accepted that even for those who possess extraordinary talent it will take years of dedicated effort to become a virtuoso.

Aside from being ready to engage, any new task or different approach takes a little time to get to grips with. When first presented with a new skill or drill there is some likelihood that they may not immediately grasp what coach trying to convey. Once again, getting a handle on what they are being invited to perform requires them to have a go. A good phrase for motor skills is ‘apprehend to comprehend’. Getting things clear in our own mind requires physically performing the action – or at least a rudimentary version of it. Making an initial attempt in turn provides the opportunity for feedback and further instruction.

Beyond giving it a go, it is necessary to stick with it long enough to successfully execute the skill to get a proper feel for the movement. From there, honing the skill means executing the skill over and over again to work through the recursive loop of trial, error, make correction, repeat – troubleshooting along the way to identify what went wrong and figure out what modifications are needed to do better and get closer with the next attempt. All of this means committing to the process and persevering through difficulties, as well as handling the attendant frustration.

Based on what we have described there are various points where things can go awry. Entertaining instruction or whatever suggested modification is being offered by the coach means allowing that there might be a better or at least equally valid alternative, which can be challenging given the attachment to the familiar and practiced way of doing things. For kids who are open to the possibility, they must then fully engage with whatever they are being invited to try. It is understandable that kids might be reticent to engage when invited or instructed to try something new as it means stepping into the unknown. There is some temptation to not commit fully and only make a half-hearted effort with the initial attempt, as it permits the excuse that they did not really fail as they were not really trying. The final hurdle is to remain engaged and stick with the laborious process of figuring things out if they don’t immediately grasp things or get it right first time. My recent experience has been that it is increasingly common for kids to react negatively at the first sign of struggle, such that they disengage or withdraw effort.

To expand our repertoire of skills we must be willing to explore the unknown and experiment with new and different ways of doing things, which means venturing into uncharted territory. Contact with the unknown carries both threat and promise. Due to its ambivalent nature, the prospect of trying something new or attempting to do things differently elicits apprehension but it can also provoke curiosity. It is conceivable that what is being proposed might offer the key to unlocking a higher level of performance and opening up a host of new possibilities. On that basis, whilst it might be confronting, there should also be some eagerness to find out.

In the face of uncertainty or the unknown there are essentially two options: you can either approach or withdraw. Which of those options is chosen communicates something to others as well as the person themselves. If they approach, it communicates that the person considers themselves capable – and also that whatever is being attempted has the potential to deliver good things and is worth pursuing. In contrast, if the person withdraws it communicates that the person is not confident, they are equipped to proceed and perhaps that they consider the task to be either potentially harmful or otherwise not useful.

Until we voluntarily explore something it will induce anxiety. We do not learn to be fearful or anxious, but rather learn not to fear something by establishing through exploration that the thing we were apprehensive about is either non-threatening or better yet potentially useful to us. The decision not to engage in exploration condemns us to remaining anxious. Worse still, by opting to avoid something we reinforce in our minds that it is something to be avoided, such that the sense of threat and anxiety grows. In this way, the reticence towards trying anything new or different becomes self-reinforcing. Over time we may come to adopt avoidance as our default response, which of course only makes us more fearful.

Being willing to engage is a demonstration of humility, as it means implicitly acknowledging that they still have something to learn, and the coach has something to teach them. Conversely, refusing to entertain other ways of doing things or deciding not to engage when presented with a new drill or technique in practice is a mix of denial and delusion borne of insecurity. While it might come across as petulance, it is important to understand that these behaviours are motivated by fear. It is no coincidence that this most commonly afflicts ‘tweens and early teens, as this is the time in our development when we are more self-conscious and affected by the prospect of social judgement. Even in practice, being asked to try something new in front of their peers may be threatening to fragile fledgling egos.

The imperative to not look foolish and protect their status within the group inevitably tends to lead to avoidant behaviours. A sure way to avoid failing is to not try and simply opt out of any scenario where there is potential for looking foolish. Similarly, the perceived threat to ego and status explains the aversive reactions when the young performer’s initial efforts fall short, or they are provided with feedback suggesting they might be doing things imperfectly.

Clearly things can go either way at each point in the learning process, and what mindset and beliefs a young performer brings to the pursuit can make all the difference. How they appraise the scenario, the meaning they ascribe to effort, how they interpret difficulties and setbacks all have major implications. Each of these factors will shape how kids experience situations in practice and in turn determine their approach and how they respond. A young performer’s attitude towards making mistakes is perhaps the most important aspect to address and reframe, both in terms of how they handle the prospect of getting things wrong and their response when mistakes occur.

Errors are not only inevitable but also necessary. Exploring the problem space requires seeing what works and what doesn’t. To use the analogy of the game battleships, the ‘hits’ provide important information but so do the ‘misses’. Errors are information that guide learning. In other words, to find out anything we must be willing to make mistakes. The error part of ‘trial and error’ is the source of crucial feedback that informs what modifications are needed. What we must help kids to understand is that making new and different mistakes is central to getting to grips with the problem, discovering important lessons and revealing the route to potential solutions.

‘Let no man deceive himself… he must become foolish, so that he may become wise’.

– Corinthians

The other crucial element to tackle with young performers concerns their attitudes towards difficulty and struggle – or more specifically, their perceptions regarding what it means when they experience difficulties or struggle to pick things up. It is not uncommon for kids to acquire the distorted belief that finding something hard reflects poorly on them and means that they are not smart or otherwise lacking in ability.

What is striking is that kids who are somewhat accomplished and have enjoyed success are equally prone to distorted beliefs and unhelpful behaviours. When you have become used to being top dog there is added discomfort associated with grappling with something new or different – especially if others are picking it up. Being marked out as talented or gifted is often interpreted as meaning that they should pick things up with ease and essentially do everything right at the first attempt. The perceived imperative to make things look effortless and never be seen to struggle is clearly not an expectation anybody can live up to. For the most part, this is a projection that is not grounded in reality.

Aside from false impressions regarding others’ expectations, high achievers are also likely to be perfectionists. One of the pernicious aspects of perfectionism is the tendency to hold themselves to an impossible standard – and then mercilessly beat themselves up when they inevitably fall short. Wherever it arises from, the notion that anything less than getting everything right first time every time constitutes failure is clearly nonsensical. Happily, these beliefs do not stand up well under scrutiny. However, if left unchallenged, these distorted beliefs often lead to behaviours that do not serve them.

‘If you are not willing to be a fool then you cannot become a master’.

– Jordan B Peterson

An important realisation for aspiring young performers is that whatever their accomplishments, what got them here will likely not be sufficient to get them where they want to go. The urge to protect their ego and preserve their status is an indulgence they cannot afford as it will inevitably impede their progress and hold them back from pursuing their goals. As the grown-ups we can help guide them towards this realisation and we should certainly support them through the process.

There are plenty of data indicating that young performers fare better in a mastery-focussed practice environment. Coaches and parents alike should be mindful and choose their words carefully to avoid bringing ego and status into the equation as far as possible. The coach likewise bears responsibility making practice environment a safe space for trying things out and making mistakes in service of learning new and different ways of doing things. Everybody involved has a role to play in providing encouragement and offering praise to reward and reinforce the desired behaviours.

As coaches and parents there is a benefit to acknowledging that it can be daunting to be presented with a new or unfamiliar way of doing things. It is natural to feel some trepidation when faced with the unknown. It is also natural that they might feel a reflexive urge to disengage when experiencing apprehension and discomfort. Courage and tenacity are required. Rather than downplay it, we should rather encourage young performers to step into the role of exploratory hero in their own story. When presented in the right way, the difficulty of the quest and even the obstacles and setbacks they will encounter along the way can be motivating. We should encourage aspiring young performers to relish the challenge and embrace the process in the spirit of curiosity and play.

In making the case, we should highlight how opting to be brave and to stick with it will not only help themselves but also serve the interests of the group. Pointing out their actions can benefit others and serve the greater good is powerful from a motivational perspective. By becoming more capable and adaptable they will be better able to contribute to the collective effort. In doing so, they will also encourage other members of the squad to follow their lead, in turn helping them and further benefitting the group as a whole.

That said, it remains up to the young athlete to have the courage to dare to try and to commit to working through the process. Whatever emotions they might be experiencing are natural and certainly no cause to think less of themselves, but it is also necessary to get past all that that. There is no other way but to take the plunge and then persevere through all the struggles. The best strategy to overcome apprehension is to voluntarily approach and explore. Rather than succumbing to anxiety, the better alternative is to lean into curiosity and focus their attention on solving the puzzle.

Another way to combat fear is to think about the alternatives and consider what is more frightening. Whatever apprehension or discomfort they might be feeling needs to be weighed against the frightening prospect that giving in will deny themselves the opportunity to become better and cost them the chance to pursue their goals. Ultimately what self-conscious young performers really want to avoid is looking foolish in competition – when the stakes are higher, and they are performing in front of an audience that is potentially largely and likely less forgiving than their training partners. If they limit themselves in practice to what is familiar and stick with what they are already adept at, this will leave them entirely exposed and bereft of a plan B when the day comes that the tried and tested way of doing things no longer produces the desired outcome. Likewise, if they encounter an unforeseen scenario in competition that calls for something different then the decision not to explore and experiment during practice will doom them to fail. The only way to guard against this is to thoroughly explore and practice the full array of athletic and sport skills that they might be called on to perform in the arena.

Paul Gamble PhD is a coach, performance director, consultant and author. Paul has a long-lasting interest and involvement in talent development. Hs most recent book published in 2022 was Sports Parenting, which aimed to equip parents to better work with youth sports coaches to support kids through each stage of the youth sports journey, and he has since launched the Athlete Generation substack to provide content to parents, youth sports coaches and physical education teachers.

I am pretty sure we are, but the reality is that we can be at different ends of the spectrum which can also be affected by that given moment, experience, or circumstance.

Keeping a sense of perspective can be hugely challenging particularly when our children look like sporting mini-adults wearing the same outfits, get selected for squads and performance programmes and there is no doubting that our patience can exceed our expectations particularly if we are told our children are talented and doing well.

The most difficult thing is being able to remain as objective as possible, not always an easy task, particularly with the sacrifices, cost, and emotional investment that many families make to support their young people on their sporting journey.

Delusional Parents are those who have false or unrealistic beliefs or opinions about their children even when confronted with facts. Most parents are pretty balanced and only suffer from a mild form of delusion, which I probably suffer from as well. However, there will always be some extreme cases.

It does seem that there is something in our genetic makeup that makes us parents feel that our children are always better than they are.  We can’t help it and I feel that way about my own children.

The problem is that an extreme level of delusion may hinder our ability to parent a young athlete effectively.

When we have unrealistic expectations of our children’s abilities, we begin to put unnecessary pressure on them to perform to a potentially unrealistic standard. If we continue on this path, we can then fall into the trap of nothing ever been quite good enough and focussing always on mistakes, whilst neglecting to discuss any strengths and improvements our children may be making. Everything needs a balance to it.

If our expectations have become unrealistic and we are always expecting more, almost every interaction, selection, decision that is made on any given day becomes all about our child and as a result our behaviours change alongside it.  We can become critical of coaches and programmes, become more desperate as we support from the side and then to make ourselves feel better, we then feel the need to unload all our feedback and feelings in the aftermath on the car journey home. Many of the children we have spoken to recently in performance sport have told us they need love, sleep, and food immediately after competition, only a few enjoyed talking about what had just happened at that point. That does not mean to say that these conversations did not happen at a later point in time.

All these behaviours potentially then can weaken the relationships around our young people which includes the parent-coach relationship, coach-child relationship, and parent-child relationship.

For example, when our children feel that they are not living up to our expectations and learning to take personal responsibility for their own enjoyment and improvement in their sport, they may learn to blame coaches, teammates and end up looking for someone else to help them get to the “next level” rather than finding the passion and desire within themselves to improve and reach their goals.  Children, particularly teenagers, can also be very good at telling us versions of events that they know we would want to hear or to avoid having any longer more difficult conversations with us.

This piece is not about one group always being right either and there may be times that we have to intervene as sports parents. We may have seen totally inappropriate behaviour, do not understand why something has happened to our children and we are concerned about the lack of progress that they are making.  It is our right to do this, and we mustn’t suffer in silence if we genuinely feel there is cause for concern.

So how do we avoid allowing our ingrained delusion to creep into our children’s sporting development and our parenting?

It all starts with understanding why we are putting our children into their sport in the first place. We do not have a ‘Crystal Ball.’

The younger the children are, the less accurate our predictions may be about what is coming next. If we had a magic formula for how we create world record holders and professional athletes and could bottle it up, we would be extremely wealthy.

We should be putting our children into their sport to enjoy the experience. Develop many of the character skills that will allow them to thrive in their sport, including if they make it to elite levels but also to ensure that they then can thrive in whatever walk of life they end up in. Sport remains one of the safest vehicles still to equip our children with these.

In our sessions we focus on the development of commitment, determination, consistency, resilience, patience, humility, adaptability, decision-making, self-organisation, and good communication to name but a few.

If our children’s sporting environment is providing enjoyment and valuing the development of the whole person, these traits and the benefits and experiences of the journey itself alongside the technical part we should be over the moon.

Why does this appear to have become more of a problem in recent times?

Quite simply because so many other things in their life can be provided instantly and provide immediate gratification.

Technology has undoubtedly played a part in this allowing our children to shop at the hit of a button, order take-away food that can arrive at their doorstep and also at times of quiet and solitude send instant messages to a large number of virtual friends almost certainly guaranteeing an instant reply.

All of these hits of dopamine can help our young people feel good at an instant, yet we know that in sport there is no real short cut to high performance.

Success and sporting development is a long journey, at times arduous, is full of highs and lows and very rarely can it be achieved without huge amounts of persistence.

Patience is on the wane in young people, highlighted recently to me by a parent of a child who was waiting in a doctor’s waiting room. Her child had to wait 30 minutes for an appointment but also had access to an iPad during the wait.  However, 15 minutes in, she announced she was bored and didn’t want to wait any longer.

This parent went on to explain that they needed to wait and show some patience. However, her child continued to nag. She removed the iPad and took her daughter on a trip down memory lane and showed her the magazines that she could find to read and had great fun showing her the joys of the abacus in the corner that used to occupy children for hours.

Her daughter was shell-shocked and could not understand that this is all that there was to do when her mum grew up along with thinking time, talking quietly, or playing noughts and crosses.

As you can imagine none of the above suggestions went down particularly well with her daughter and they were ultimately saved by the bell of the appointment.

How can we then help our young people develop patience and persistence whilst understanding the huge value the skill undoubtedly has?

• Role Modelling

Children often learn by example, so it’s essential to demonstrate persistence in our own actions. Let them observe you facing challenges, overcoming obstacles, and persisting in your own pursuits.

• Provide Positive Reinforcement

Acknowledge and reward children’s efforts, progress, and achievements. This can motivate them to persist, knowing their hard work is recognised and appreciated.

We can also talk about these traits more explicitly and ensure that when our children have displayed this trait that we celebrate it and we spend time talking to them about how it helped them in achieving a specific goal or outcome.

• Co-create goals and objectives

Working together to set clear goals and objectives provides a roadmap for children to follow, allowing them to navigate through life’s challenges with purpose and determination.

This can encourage them to strive towards specific targets, help them understand what is expected from them and thereby help them in developing patience and persistence.

• Mindfulness exercises

Mindfulness exercises allow our children to become aware of their thoughts and emotions without judgment or immediate reaction.

These exercises cultivate a heightened sense of self-awareness and enable our children to make conscious choices rather than succumbing to fleeting desires.  We know young people can be impulsive at the best of times, can be fickle with certain things and change their mind with alarming regularity.

• Help make the journey enjoyable

For our children to continue to participate and be motivated, we need to try and make things as enjoyable as possible.

That does not mean that there will not be some elements of struggle, you can also enjoy these bits as well. We have started to use ‘Enjoyment’ rather than ‘Fun’ in a lot of our work for this very reason.

• Highlight opportunities

Help them see the opportunities that come their way through persistence, the people they meet and highlight the small improvements along the way.

• Use Role Models

Use role models or leading figures who all had to show incredible amounts of persistence to then achieve their ultimate goals.

We know that sometimes particularly in the teenage years that it can be difficult to land certain messages with our children. Bringing things to their attention via film, documentaries, books and social media involving figures who they perhaps respect can be a powerful way to initiate some incredible conversations.

• Play down shortcuts

Help them see that shortcuts are not going to be a long-term recipe for success. If something is taking time for them, is hard work then they are probably going about it in the right way.

Many people can give up on something when they were so close to making a huge breakthrough, it is true that we never know how close we may be to success and can often be closer than we think.

• Encourage bravery and risk-taking

Encourage your child to be brave and take risks. If we can create our own narrative around disappointment in sport, normalise it in our conversations and behaviours and help our children understand that this is part of the process we can help them foster a much more balanced and longer-term perspective about their sporting development.

• Get them talking

No one can ever do everything alone and around our young people’s sport we want them to have a really good support network. We need to encourage them to talk, to share how they feel, ask for help when they may be struggling. If they feel they have this support, they are more likely to persist knowing they are not alone in their challenges.

In an ever changing world there are a number of key building blocks that are going to remain an integral part of sporting development and persistence is certainly one of those. We will leave you with a couple of wonderful quotes to perhaps share with your children.

Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not: nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not: the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. (Calvin Coolidge, US President)

 

Permanence, perseverance, and persistence in spite of all obstacles, discouragement, and impossibilities: It is this, that in all things distinguishes the strong soul from the weak. (Thomas Carlyle)

The way that we talk to ourselves can have this very same impact… and yet we can often be guilty of speaking to, or about ourselves, negatively and in ways we would never do to someone else. Self-talk is therefore an important psychological skill to harness and use to positively support our feelings & behaviours.

What is self-talk?

Self-talk, as suggested by the name, refers to the way we talk to ourselves. This might be expressed out loud verbally or as an inner voice only heard in our head. This self-talk is often revealing of our beliefs, thoughts, and ideas. Self-talk can be positive or negative and can be broadly categorised into different types:

• Spontaneous

This self-talk is not something that’s done consciously or purposefully… it’s natural and often reflects what we’re thinking and feeling (be it physically or mentally) e.g., ‘I’m too tired to train tonight’ or ‘I find this drill easy’. This form of self-talk can still be helpful, since it gives us good insight into what’s going on for us and how we’re feeling. This can allow us to acknowledge our feelings (e.g., I’m too tired to train, I don’t feel up to it’) and attempt to problem solve (e.g., I might reason with myself it’s only an hour and I can do it, or I might talk about my feelings with my mum).

• Goal-directed

In contrast, goal-directed self-talk is intentional and aimed at changing the way we feel or guiding our behaviour/performance. Something we might all resonate with is feeling nervous before an important moment. In sporting terms that might be a big game or a pressurised instance e.g., penalty kick. Here, we may use self-talk to try and give ourselves advice, ‘focus on what you can control, just go and try your best’. It might also take the form of a short cue, such as ‘deep breath’. Here, self-talk may help calm our nerves or act as a reminder to walk onto the pitch confidently. It’s important to note we might not always guide ourselves in a helpful manner, such as being self-critical or negative, and so being aware of our self-talk and its influence is important. An athlete may also use goal-directed self-talk in supporting skill development, e.g., reminding themselves to ‘brush the ear’ when learning to bowl in cricket.

How can self-talk impact young athletes?

As mentioned before, self-talk often represents our beliefs and thoughts. Our thoughts can be highly influential upon our feelings and behaviours, and therefore in sport, our performance. If a coach told your child they played rubbish or criticised them for every mistake, it’s quite likely this would hurt your child’s feelings, perhaps cause them to feel low in confidence and doubt themselves. They may become fearful of performing poorly and making mistakes and then make more mistakes or avoid involvement completely.

As said before, the influence of our inner voice is no different. Without realising it, the things we are saying to ourselves may actually be hurting our performance and/or wellbeing and taking us away from goal achievement. Take the example of performing poorly, one athlete might say to themselves ‘I didn’t play my best today, but it’s not the end of the world, I can learn from it’.

Another might reflect ‘I played terribly today, I’m a total failure’. In the first statement, the athlete offers themselves understanding, perspective, and encouragement to go again. It’s likely they’re not going to beat themselves up over this but use it as a chance to improve. In contrast, the second statement uses quite harsh language and defines self-worth using one performance. This athlete may spend the next few days feeling down about this performance and dread training next week.

As highlighted, the consequences of speaking to ourselves positively or negatively can have a contrasting difference*:

*It’s not necessarily always as black and white as this as far as outcomes go… some people might at times find negative self-talk motivating for example. However, we want to encourage positive self-talk for happier and healthier individuals.”

What can parents do to support positive self-talk?

So, as parents what can you do to encourage positive self-talk from your child? Here are five tips:

• Recognising and challenging negative self-talk/unhelpful thinking

The first step to actively engaging in more positive self-talk is being more aware of your thoughts and any potential negative thinking. Listen out for the way your child is speaking to/about themselves e.g., before a challenging game, when reflecting on a performance. If you notice them being quite critical, negative, or perhaps irrational then bring this to their attention and gently challenge those thoughts. What could be a more helpful or positive way for them to think about the situation?

• Talk to a friend method

One way that can be useful to get your child to not only reflect on the way they’re speaking to themselves but think about a kinder or more helpful way of using self-talk is to use the ‘talk to a friend’ scenario. Perhaps your child is feeling anxious about something or disappointed with a performance… get them to think about what they would tell their friend in this situation, what would they say to help them feel better? They can then try to reframe their own thinking with this in mind. Often, we can find it a lot easier to find positive, encouraging words when not thinking about ourselves!

• Practice cue words for different situations

It can be useful to practice cue words to use in different situations. You can support your child to do this, essentially planning for times they might need positive self-talk in their sport e.g., moments before the game starts, taking an important shot/throw/kick etc. You can also encourage them to think of positive phrases they connect with, maybe from a song or film they like which can help encourage and motivate them.

• Ensuring the content of positive self-talk is useful

When encouraging your child to use positive self-talk, whatever the form, there are a few recommendations for its content. First and foremost, keep it realistic. Don’t have your child tell themselves they’re the best player in the world if that’s way off what they believe. Instead, help them incorporate their personal strengths into self-talk and previous challenges they have overcome.

It’s also been suggested using ‘you’ and third person language is helpful when engaging in self-talk e.g., ‘you’ve got this’. Finally, help them focus on approach language (what they can, will, or want to do) rather than avoidance language (what they can’t, won’t do, or want to avoid).

• Consider the influence of your own language

Last, but not least, in supporting your child to use positive self-talk, be a role model and check your own language. If you notice yourself using negative self-talk out loud, could you use this as a chance to challenge yourself in front of your child and use a more positive thought instead?

Equally, are you encouraging your child’s positive thoughts and mindset within conversations? E.g., promoting compassion around mistakes, presenting a nerve-wracking game as a challenge and opportunity. If the conversations and language from yourself conflict with the idea of positive self-talk, it will be a lot harder for your child to adopt.

It’s important to note that self-talk is not sport-specific, that inner voice does not simply turn off in other situations. Being able to learn the skill of positive, and helpful self-talk is something that can help us cope and approach various situations positively, in and outside of sport, to the benefit of performance and wellbeing.

Lydia Giles is a Sport and Exercise Psychologist in Training (SEPiT) who currently works with a range of sports teams and athletes providing psychological support. Her work is broadly centred around promoting helpful and adaptive thinking to aid performance and wellbeing. She has also conducted research with elite youth football parents in the topic of academy release. To find out more about Lydia, her work, and the services she offers you can visit www.lgsportpsychology.co.uk and find her on Instagram @lgsportpsychology.  

Then by 11.00am on the Tuesday of that week it was all over. She was called into the coach’s office to be told she was no longer needed in the squad, and she was sent home. Quite simply, they liked the look of other players more, budgets were tight and there was no room for maybes.

There was no opportunity to prepare for an end that came with no warning. It was traumatising for her as a player. Her sporting dreams and hopes for her future were shattered in a matter of minutes. As her parents, who had invested in her journey through school, club, university, national squads and had watched every one of her 20 senior international caps, it was the toughest test of our emotional strength as we grappled to find the right words and actions to support her.

Roll forward to 2023, she now has a successful career at JP Morgan in London. She is happier and healthier than she has ever been. She still plays hockey for her club, coaches regularly and received the ‘Most Improved Player’ award in the year after she left the GB Programme. She makes time for a large and varied group of friends and even has time to date. She feels valued and appreciated by all those around her.

What more could a parent ask for?

But what happened in-between?

There was certainly a lot of messy bits, but having had some space to reflect on the things we learnt, here are my top 10 tips for parents to support an athlete who is suddenly dropped and needs to transition into the real world.

• Prepare for the end BEFORE it’s the end.

Encourage your child to take every opportunity to figure out who they are outside of sport, whilst they are still playing. They need to test out some stuff and work out what they like or don’t like so they develop a sense of where their future career direction after sport might lead. It sounds counter-intuitive to suggest this as a parent when your child has to be 100% committed to their sporting goals, but it is essential.

Unless they are fully committed to staying in their sport in some capacity apart from playing, when the end comes your child will need to fall back on the relationships they have built and experiences they have had outside of sport. If they don’t have any it’s going to be tough to start from scratch at a point when they have lost their sporting identity and are at their lowest. So champion and develop the whole child and not just the sports player, because actually no one else around them in their world is really interested in that apart from you.

In practical terms for us this meant fighting our daughter’s corner to ensure she could attend those rites of passage events alongside her peers, supporting her to give back to the sport by sharing her story and mentoring others, facilitating networking conversations, using our connections to help her find short bursts of work experience in different environments and never letting her consider giving up on her academic potential. By optimising her skill sets in all other aspects of her life she would be able to maximise her opportunities later on.

• Be their safe space

When the end comes unexpectedly letting go of the sporting dream is like a bereavement. The emotions come tumbling in with the same intensity; not necessarily in any order – shock, anger, regret, fear of the future, frustration, resentment, depression and intense sadness.

We had to fight hard not to give in to our natural instincts to want to take the pain away by distracting or just ignoring the feelings out of her, as it was so upsetting for us too. But we knew when feelings are suppressed they do not disappear; they merely go into hiding where they fester and cause trouble later in life.

We were the only place our daughter could show up as her raw true self with no filters. With everyone and everywhere else she had to be brave. So put your hard hat on, get the tissues out and let them cry and rant and rave with you. Don’t try and make it better or play down the emotion, just acknowledge how hard it must be to be them and let them feel heard. Validate their emotions. Also, accept that alongside the science of selection and performance chance and luck play their part and sometimes sport just doesn’t feel fair.

• Call in the cavalry

When the chips are down you need people around you who can shed sunshine and offer light relief in the toughest of times. We were blessed to spend time with our other daughter immediately after the news hit. She was like a breath of fresh air, had never really understood what all the fuss with sport was all about and offered just the sort of perspective we all needed. Sport had stolen her sister and she was very much looking forward to having her back and seeing her have some fun. Within a matter of hours the two of them were laughing and crying all at the same time. Whoever your cavalry are, call them in.

• Allow them time to grieve and process.

They need space to sit with their feelings and emotions and this must be the focus. Don’t interrogate – you may want to understand all the issues, but they may not be ready to talk yet. They may never be. Let them set the pace and the agenda. Be prepared to cover the same ground a lot, as every time you do they will get closer to accepting and acknowledging the enormity of what has happened. This ultimately leads to them having space to process, move on and work out their next steps.

There is no formula or script about what to say or do. This is the time to use your intuition as a parent. Back off when you feel you should, be present when you feel you should. Remind them constantly how proud you are of what they have achieved and that you don’t love them any less because their elite sporting journey has ended. Their feelings are real and understandable. But they will pass.

• Show up as parents in a way that is useful!

Remember we cannot change what has happened, we can only change how we respond to the situation. Being as devastated as they are will not help. Taking it personally will not help. It is very unlikely anything you could have done or said would have changed anything. Letting this trigger you about failures in your own past will not help. This is your stuff and not their stuff. It will just add to their burden.

So focus on the things you can control, rather than the things you can’t; this stops everything feeling so overwhelming. As a practical example we agreed a plan to communicate the news to all friends and family. We also chose to message the parents on the team that we knew well rather than allow the news to seep out. We told them the facts, thanked them for their friendship and wished the team success for the future. We explained we had no regrets as a family and thanked them for the experiences we had shared. We set the tone and didn’t need to face any awkward conversations as we had broken the ice.

• Encourage them to get closure

Walking away from the thing they love is the hardest thing, but leaving with things unsaid is worse and will prevent your child from moving on.

Saying an appropriate goodbye when the time is right is vital. By ‘appropriate’ I mean a good and positive goodbye to support staff, teammates, and coaches. To do this with grace and humility was testament to our daughter’s personality and bravery. She held her head high and showed no sign of bitterness. We could not have been more proud.

Once the dust settled and she could think with clarity it was also important for her to take the opportunity to say her piece to her coaches and tell them truthfully what had worked and not worked for her whilst she had been part of the squad. It wasn’t going to change their decision, but she felt strongly about certain issues and she felt better for having voiced her views.

• Accept that moving to the next chapter is not straight forward

Every set back is a growing opportunity, but as parents we cannot say this too soon. Change rarely happens in one big shift so we need to be patient. For elite athletes it is particularly hard as they have had to develop deeply ingrained patterns of thinking and strict routines and rituals to survive at the top. It will take a while to unpick this focus and to open up their mind to new ways of thinking.

It may take an ongoing cycle of disorientation, reflection, experimenting with new ideas, practice, taking stock, iterating, then giving it another go before their updated version of themselves takes shape.  What is important is that they embrace the opportunity to figure out who they are outside of sport and as parents we support them on this voyage of discovery. There is no magic solution or formula that works for everyone.

They may not know what they want yet but trying something will help them figure things out, be it part time work, voluntary work, a short course or work experience; athletes need some sort of a routine, otherwise they just feel unhinged. It doesn’t have to be all encompassing, but something alongside the processing of the pain will help normalise things and set them on the path of discovering what they actually want to do longer term.

• Encourage them to enjoy being in control of their own destiny

Taking an immediate extended break and travelling abroad would have been an easy option for our daughter to take, but she said she felt like this would be ‘running away’. How wise she was. She elected to process and think about her future first, rather than put her future on hold.

By her own admission her personal development had been exponential since leaving the confines of the GB programme and we observed and supported her taking full control of her life. She had never felt this as an athlete and she began to feel empowered and excited to make plans that no one else could take away from her.

• Focus on the learnings, rather than what they have lost

Top companies love athletes that are transitioning as they are strong, ambitious, hardworking, determined and resilient individuals. All the qualities companies are looking for to build an agile and productive workforce.

As a family we soon recognised just how many skills our daughter had honed on her sporting journey that could transfer into the workplace. The more we all practiced using this sort of language the more her self-esteem grew. It wasn’t a surprise to hear she was performing well in interviews and most significantly she was doing it all without us.  It was time for us to take a big step back and leave her to get on with her life.

• Regret nothing

I now understand it isn’t the medals or accolades she won that counts, it’s the stories, the life lessons, the fun, the joy, the pain and the memories we shared that matters most. We are closer and more resilient as a family for having been on this journey together and we have all learnt a lot about ourselves.

Sport is a privilege. Our daughter is still playing, we are still watching, and we are very grateful for that opportunity.

Stephanie Burge is an ICF Accredited Life Coach who runs her own private coaching practice, Lemon Zest Coaching. She is also an Independent Consultant at ThirdEYE International Sports Consultancy where she collaborates with parents, athletes, sports clubs and communities using her lived experience as a parent of a GB athlete. She talks about strategies to develop the whole person both on and off the pitch to optimise playing potential, without compromising their ability to become happy, healthy well-rounded individuals, ready to maximise their opportunities after their sporting career has ended.

Esme Burge is a former full-time England and GB Hockey Player with a first-class honours degree in Psychology from the University of Nottingham. She was the BUCS female athlete of the year in 2020 and was a member of the British Universities and Colleges Sports Advisory Group. She was recruited by J.P.Morgan via their Veteran & Athlete Transition Programme. She currently plays Premier League Hockey for Hampstead and Westminster where she also coaches.  

I’ve refereed both my sons, sometimes in football, but mostly in rugby. My eldest recently recalled my one of my performances for a tough school cup match. They lost. One of my son’s teammates told him that “Your dad is a p***k”. Luckily, he still loves me, even after 27 years!

Despite being very confident about my rugby refereeing abilities, it was much harder to referee my
children than adults. The emotional rollercoaster that normally goes with being the referee became much harder.

Here are my top tips and reflections based on those experiences mixed in with years of talking to others at both professional and grassroots level.

Pre-emptive conversation

Ask your child how they feel about you being the referee. The question should be framed not as a choice over whether it will happen but to prepare them for what may be ahead.
With them, discuss where you might not be able to support them or what should happen if they disagree with a decision.
Also, help to prepare them in how to deal with opposition players, coaches and spectators being less than kind about your decisions.

No need to tell the opposition

If you are going to referee well, the opposition needn’t know that you have a stake in the game beyond refereeing.
Of course, some teams will know already. Unfortunately, that will fuel some bias on their part, especially when a subjective decision doesn’t go their way.
You have already told your child how to deal with it. For you personally, it is always best to try and ignore any interaction that is a consequence of this perceived bias. They won’t believe you made any decision that doesn’t favour your child!

Neutral language

You will have already spoken to your child about how that they will be treated like any other player. To make this even more effective, you should try to keep your language as neutral as possible, as if you didn’t know any players on either team. Using numbers as opposed to names can certainly help with this.

Also, where possible use the referees’ law book as your language to explain decisions rather than add any colour.

Break the bias

Refereeing your own team is hard enough. It is easy to compensate both ways. Sometimes you aren’t cheating but favouring your team because you see them every week and you know that they are trying something, and you want to reward that.

Break the bias by favouring the opposition on close decisions. If you are accused of being a tough referee by your own side, take that as a compliment.

Projecting this on your child is even tougher. You are desperate for them to play well, enjoy the experience and be motivated to keep playing.  Mentally rehearse tight moments where they may not be doing so well. How are you going
to react?

This is where you need leaders in the team to support your child. For example, tell the team about the challenges of refereeing them ahead of games, perhaps sharing that in more detail with more mature players.

Your co-coaches will have to work hard on your behalf. They should also remember that you are doing them a favour by refereeing instead of them!

Discuss the game, not your decisions

Post-game, you will definitely feel anxious and hyped up.

You need to allow time to bring yourself into the present of being a parent. That’s why, even if your child is asking for detail on your decisions (which they shouldn’t, but they don’t always comply with your previous good ideas), you need to say that you will chat about the game but not yet.

When you do come to discuss the game, lead the conversation away from your performance. You might have been brilliant – you don’t need your child to say that. More likely, you will feel you made too many errors or are conscious of others thinking that.

Again, any discussion of that nature should be with your co-coaches, not your child.

I must admit it was a far more enjoyable experience watching my sons play when I was neither the coach nor the referee. However, that sacrifice enabled many other great opportunities for them and their team-mates. We need to referee positively to grow the game. I hope these tips encourage not just you, but others in your coaching groups to take
up the whistle and share the burden.

Dan Cottrell is the editor of Rugby Coach Weekly. Both his sons are now grown up but still
play team sports. Neither of them is a referee…yet.