I smiled and confidently explained that “my parents know better. We have a rule: let the players play, the coaches’ coach, and the referees ref.”
“Coach, it’s your dad!” My captain called to me. My smugness quickly faded, and I was faced with the strangest “coach’s walk” of my career. Having to trudge across the field, in front of everyone, to address my father.
I made the long, awkward walk to my father who was stationed in his little folding chair right at the midline, as he was every game, so he “could have the best view”.
“Dad, please stop talking to the ref. Please let everyone do their jobs and enjoy the game.” I said, wishing, at that moment, I was anywhere but there.
A 40-year-old man with three children of his own and a Director of Coaching at a large club.
A grown man who has not played competitively in nearly two decades. The coach, at this moment in time, of a team of 10-year-olds.
Yet, somehow, I was obligated to tell my father to let the kids play. Let me repeat that in case you did not catch it: I was the coach, and it was my father disrupting a youth football match.
Why was my father even at the game?
Because, as he has told me a multitude of times over both my playing and coaching career, he is my biggest fan. He loves watching me play and coach!
For the last 25 years my father would show up at my house every weekend, with trusty chair in hand, to hitch a ride to my games. He’d stay with me all day on multi-game days. He’d ride with me and stay at the hotel on road trips. He was always there. Posted up like a sentry on watch at the midline telling anyone who would listen, “That’s my son!”
“Which one is your son?” People would ask, trying to do the math of a 60-something man at a youth sports event.
“The coach!”
I was never going to stop my dad from attending the games I coached. I honestly don’t know if I would have wanted him to stop. I knew no matter what, my father would be there and would be cheering for my team and bragging on me. He was my biggest fan.
Honestly, of all the things I miss most about coaching is seeing my dad posted in his red chair on the far sideline. The sense of joy, the sheer confidence, the empowering feeling I had knowing someone loved me so unconditionally drove me to be a better coach, a better father, a better human. He was a source of immense inspiration for me in my growth as a coach, educator, advocate. If having your parent as your biggest fan is that impactful for a grown man, imagine what it does for our children: to be their biggest fan!
More importantly, one of the gifts my father gave me was teaching me to be my own ally. His dedication, his passion for my work, and the words he spoke to me all those amazing weekends (especially in the car ride home) were the foundation for me becoming my own biggest fan. It is hard not to shift to positive self-talk when your passenger is such a big fan.
“Self-allyship” is the greatest gift my parents ever gave me. It is a work in progress, and I need to remind myself often of their zeal. I remind myself daily that if my parents are such big fans of mine, why can’t I be a fan too. My resilience, my success, my mindset, and my drive are tied to how they have made me feel about my work over the years.
I encourage you to do the same for your children. There is no doubt you love them and want what is best for them. I adamantly believe parents do what they do out of love.
You want to pave the path for your children. You want them to avoid any suffering. You want to see them happy and successful. Sometimes that leads to some emotional moments, and some unusual behaviours, but there is no doubt it is out of love for your kids. The best way to focus our love for them is to understand that we must prepare them for the path rather than prepare the path for them.
I applaud each one of you for being your child’s biggest fans and if you want to create a lasting impact and see them succeed long after the ball stops rolling, seek to also instil in them this desire to be their own biggest fans.
Teaching your children to be their own biggest fan is not difficult if you are intentional, remain aware of your interactions, and employ these emotional fitness concepts when you watch your children play:
Internal Focus of Control
Apply the Art of Encouragement – Encouragement, when done properly, builds up a child’s internal locus of control. Most days, children feel like a passenger in their learning journey. Whether it is having to follow the schedules and wishes of the adults in their life, being reliant on the input of teammates or coaches, or facing the uncertainty of opponents, weather, referees, and other external variables, feeling like they have control of their environment can be difficult.
One way to shift that locus of control internally and allow our children to have greater control over their performances, and confidence, is to use more encouragement language. When they do something instead of being a “good jobber” like I was early in my career or praising the outcomes (“good goal”), tell them what they did right to get to where they are. Share with them the specific examples, point out repeatable actions, use concrete language to encourage the behaviours that led to the success. Saying something like, “Wow. You ran so hard and got to the right spot to receive that pass.
That’s why you scored. Way to work hard without the ball,” Tells an athlete what they did well and gives them the blueprint for doing it again. This teaches them how to control what they can control in a dynamic, chaotic environment and instills a strong internal locus of control. That serves them well in future endeavours and teaches them to find pride in their work.
Intrinsic Motivation
Shift to “You” language – Telling children “you should be proud”, or “you did that all on your own” and using language that puts them at the centre of the equation develops intrinsic motivation in our children. We want them to inherently do the things they do and not do them because someone is making them, or they expect an external reward for it. “Doing hard things” requires intrinsic motivation. Everything we do may not always be fun, but if we are inherently motivated to do those things, it will bring enjoyment. Life is not a sun-drenched walk through the rose garden.
We want our children to grow up prepared for the dark parts of the path too. Intrinsic motivation is a key factor in helping them be resilient and strong in the difficult times and it leads to a strong work ethic. “You” language makes the sporting experience, the effort, the good and bad worth it to them. This also works by asking them “you” questions: “what did you think of the game”, “what did you like about that performance”, “what do you want to play”?
You’d be surprised at how excited a child gets when they are asked what they want. You make the experience and the journey theirs and no one can take that back from them.
Growth Mindset
Carol Dweck’s Power of Yet – Part of becoming your own biggest fan is having grace for when you fail and celebrating with awe when you do something new. Have you ever watched a baby solve a puzzle or accomplish something new in their world. They get so excited. They seem so surprised, almost in awe of their own skill. This is, unfortunately, a behaviour that fades with time. Unless someone continues to remind us. By deploying the power of yet with our children, we are teaching them to stay resilient and to celebrate even small wins.
When your child says “I can’t” tell them, “Yet. You can’t yet, but we will help you and do it together. You will be able to do it and how cool will it feel when you can do it!” Every time they hit a roadblock, be the one to say “yet”. Keep them in their logical brain (instead of the lizard brain). Get them to imagine what it would look like if they could do it. Scaffold their learning with resources and support.
Teach them that skills are not innate, they are developed and sometimes we need the right tools to develop them. Hard work, failure, adapting, trying new things, and learning from mistakes are all parts of the recipe for growth. Like the foundational ingredient in a great recipe (for me that is the protein part of it) “yet” is the most important part and it leads to amazing outcomes. Be a “Yet-ie” when your children struggle.
Forgiving Internal Dialogue
Unconditional Love Unlocks Courage – In times of high stress and adversity, especially when there are consequences attached to performance (losing, being punished, getting benched, feeling embarrassed in front of strangers, disappointing people), the amygdala and the fear response in our brain is heightened (the lizard brain). We degrade into a fight, flee, or freeze mentality (ever watch a child completely freeze up in a tense match?). The logic brain takes a backseat to fear, and no learning can happen. It is important, at that moment, to reactivate the frontal lobe and calm the “lizard brain”. The easiest way to do this is to remove the consequences. This does not mean we run onto the field and knock everyone down so they can score the game winning goal. The consequences are there. They are part of the game. Our goal should be to remove them from the child’s internal dialogue.
Let them know that the consequences do not define them, and the outcomes don’t change how you feel about them. Remind them you love them. No. Matter. What. Happens. This unconditional love, regardless of any possible outcomes, lights a fire within a child that is not easily extinguished. It teaches them to have grace for themselves and to love themselves. It guides a self-talk that is gentler and more loving and helps them develop a forgiving internal dialogue. This self-talk will serve them in life. My mom and dad live 3,000 miles from me, yet, when I face tough times, I remember that no matter what happens, they will love me for me and not the things that happen. It is empowering, reassuring, and frees me from negative internal dialogue. My dad always told me “I will never measure you by the things that happen to you, only by how you choose to respond”.
Please continue to be your child’s biggest fan.
Children need that one person they can always count on the cheer for them. Begin to arm them with an internal locus of control, intrinsic motivation, a growth mindset, and a loving internal dialogue so one day they can be their own biggest fan.
One day when you cannot be there for them, they can be resilient in the worst of times and still love who they are. They can excel way beyond the game because you gave them the greatest gift a sports parent can give – how to be their own biggest fan.
I know, whether my dad is at that midline or not, he will always be my biggest fan, and more importantly, he gave me the blueprint for becoming my own.
“Coach Reed” Maltbie is a bestselling author, TED speaker, educator, and optimum performance specialist, is a thought leader in his field. With dual master’s degrees in sports psychology and early childhood development, combined with three decades of professional coaching experience, Coach Reed has established himself as a global authority on cultivating and achieving peak performance, creating cultures of excellence, and developing leaders who transform lives.
His new book, “The Spartan Mindset: Mastering the Language of Excellence,” became an overnight international bestseller, emphasising the impact of language on performance.
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Early in my coaching career, I was speaking with a parent of an athlete about the methods employed by the coach. The parent explained how the coach ruled by fear and demeaned the children, but they won a lot of games and the kids were getting exposure to great opportunities. The parent didn’t seemed alarmed by this behaviour.
I asked if the Coach’s behaviour was acceptable.
“Not really, but he gets results.”
A year later, that same parent brought the athlete to one of my soccer camps and asked me to use the week to help “fix” the athlete.
“Fix what?” I asked.
“I need you to undo all the damage the coach has done. She is lacking confidence, playing tentatively, and seems to not be enjoying the experience at all.”
What good would I do in one week to undo all the damage done by a coach who has had years with her? I was furious. The parent had to see the damage this coach was doing.
“You need to find a new coach.” I said. I couldn’t “fix” her in a week. Besides, the coach would simply unravel all I did with his first practice.
“I understand, but he is our best shot at getting into a good college, and he gets great results.”
This girl was 12.
I did my best to build this athlete back up, bolster confidence, and help with coping with stress that week. I knew all I had done would be gone within a week of being verbally abused and fear-mongered by the other coach.
Two years later, after my TEDx talk on the Power of a Coach’s Words, I got a message from that same parent.
She revealed her daughter was an emotional and physical wreck. There were signs of depression, lack of confidence, regular meltdowns, and an unwillingness to participate in sport. The child was broken.
The parent said, “You were right. I should have found a new coach years ago. It’s too late. The damage is done.”
The damage to this young athlete was done.
It was avoidable.
I cannot imagine what a parent must feel like in that situation. The guilt. The shame. The embarrassment of allowing her daughter to be treated so poorly, and her short sighted approach to sport. She risked everything for a few trophies and empty promises at future success. I cannot imagine the helplessness that parent feels now that her child is ruined and those promises are gone.
Further, I cannot imagine how powerless it must feel as a parent to sit back and watch this abuse happening…and feel like you cannot do anything about it! It would not happen in school, dance, or music. Why allow it in sport?
Just this week, we had another example of terrible, abusive treatment of an athlete, only this time the athlete was able to record it:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?
Why do we allow this? Why would we go back to it after we have seen a better way to coach and treat children? Why will we not advocate for our own children just because someone gets a few positive results in the win column?
There is no place in coaching for adults who treat children this way.
The only way to stop it is for parents to stand up, not simply for the current athlete, but the future human being!
We fail our kids when we ignore the very real long-term damage of abusive coaching for the fleeting celebrations of short-term results. Besides, there are far more coaches who don’t verbally abuse players getting the same kinds of results, but also building up excellent humans too.
The belief that abusive behaviour towards children is acceptable as long as the adult goals are achieved can be dangerous. We see this across all youth sports at all levels of play. As long as the kids are winning, the unacceptable behaviour is not only permitted and forgiven, but in many cases it can be celebrated and rewarded. It is a short-term view. This is a sprint to the wrong finish line when we allow the wrong means to justify the wrong ends.
Science says that negative coaching is a short-sighted viewpoint.
Negative coaching provides, at best, short-term results. Any person may perform at what we believe is “optimum” output for a short period of time under extreme duress, but research shows at some point the stress will be too much for the performer. As the stress continues to increase the performance will no longer correlate with it. In fact, performance will subsequently “drop off the cliff” inversely with the amount of stress. (See the Yerkes-Dodson Law for more.)
The physical ability of the body can only sustain so much stress before it succumbs. It is not just the arousal-performance curve that proves this is short-sighted. Genetics plays a role. We tend to correlate successful outcomes in children with the adult-employed methods and techniques, though we should be cautious in taking credit at all times. We can scream at a group of 8 year-olds for ten weeks, demean them, pit them against each other, punish the ones who cannot perform and reward the ones who can, and see tremendous leaps in skill, but that does not mean it correlates with our coaching. Saying their success is a direct result of the coach’s work is akin to what Nate Silver talked about in The Signal and the Noise:
“Most of you will have heard the maxim “correlation does not imply causation.” Just because two variables have a statistical relationship with each other does not mean that one is responsible for the other. For instance, ice cream sales and forest fires are correlated because both occur more often in the summer heat. But there is no causation; you don’t light a patch of the Montana brush on fire when you buy a pint of Haagen-Dazs.”
In fact, genetics and normal childhood development may play a greater role than any screaming a coach. Some children develop faster than others. Some win the genetic lottery and perform well at young ages in comparison to peers. No outside force created the rapid development. It was mere biological development. They were more physically apt to perform the skills and progressed quickly.
Secondly, the change is more related to brain development than a screamer with a clipboard. The child’s brain is filled with billions of neural connections. At young ages, the brain is rapidly developing and changing as children interact with the world around them. Synaptic connections are either pruned or enhanced based on whether they are used. Use a certain neural connection more often and it fires more efficiently. This is skill. Build a neural pathway, use it more often, make it more efficient. Do not use it enough and the brain will prune that connection. Some children are building neural skill highways and that shows very clear skill development.
This also explains why some children can fare better than others. This is where the coach’s words can actually correlate with development. Some kids are simply ahead in the development process and can perform the requested skill. Some are not. The ones who perform well get encouragement or praise and will attempt it again and again to receive that praise.
Others fail at the skill and are ridiculed by the coach. The brain is stressed. The amygdala reacts, hindering performance. The skill is not “grooved”. Furthermore, they avoid performing the skill in the future to avoid the pain of ridicule. The neural pathway is neglected and pruned.
Sport is a marathon. Aim for the right finish line and there’s no need to sprint. Exercise patience, have empathy, and let sports develop what matters more than a few victories: values, life skills, habits of excellence, and behaviors that benefit children when the game ends.
What is the long-term damage?
Even if a coach is getting results with negative coaching behaviours now, those behaviours are detrimental to long-term success. Biology, brain science, and psychological adaptation may account for results in the first few years of exposure to this kind of behaviour, but in the long run, the system will break down under the stress.
What long-term cost will the negative words our coaches speak to our children have on them? Is this worth the “results” we see now?
Think of it like a fuel line in a high-performance vehicle. We add something to the fuel to give it a boost for short runs. We win a few races because our car is faster than the others, but that additive is building up in the fueling line. Soon that additive clogs the fuel line enough that less fuel is getting through. That clogging will one day not only prohibit peak performance, it could cause the entire engine to shut down.
The negative words our coaches use with our children are the additive to the fuel. Children are processing their own words, their parents’ words, their teammates’ words, and so on. The coach’s words, because of the immense influential power we hold, are the fuel additive. Positive words are clean burning and leave no “build up”. Negative words leave a residue.
They aren’t simply spoken and forgotten. They are remembered. They leave marks. They build up until the player no longer has a voice of his or her own. The player only hears the words of the coach. Those are the echoes they hear. The negative words will prohibit performance and destroy the engine in the long run.
Short-term results from destructive language toward children extracts a massive long-term cost. Are those short-term results worth it? (Here is a list of the actual damage done by verbal abuse)
What is a parent to do?
We must focus on the development of the future human and not the current athlete and results. What do we want for our children 20 years from now? When the ball stops rolling and life takes over, do their sport skills become life skills? Sports has that massive opportunity to shape character traits teach life skills but only if we make that the priority instead of “results”.
We must evaluate coaches and clubs on how they positively impact the future human and not whether they get these short-term results. We must hold coaches accountable to the same standards we would expect of any other adult who holds tremendous influence over our children.
We must be our child’s advocate. Instead of stressing over playing time or which team they made, we should be ensuring they are in the right environment to help them grow and develop into the amazing humans we wish them to be.
We must find a coach that keeps them loving the game. Remember 0% of children who quit sports get an athletic scholarship. First and foremost they must love the game and stay in the game, and negative coaching usually drives them out.
Think about the conversation you’ll have with your child in 20 years. When you look back on the sporting career and the lessons learned. When you evaluate whether it was all worth it. Will you be apologising to your child for not getting her away from that abusive coach sooner? Or will you be grateful she had an experience with an amazing adult who helped transform her into this truly wonderful human being too? Were the “results” of a few youth sports tournaments worth trading the future happiness and success of your child?
Nothing will change until we become advocates for the children in the game, whether they are our flesh and blood, or another’s. Take the long view, mum and dad, and choose to end abusive coaching.
We don’t need to feel helpless about the way coaches treat our children ever again.
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She said at one point the coach barked “You’re not here to have fun! You are here to work!” The coach felt the girls were not trying hard enough, were not fully engaged, and did not want to win as badly as he did. The worse they played, the more frustrated he got.
The girls were 8-years old!
This mom was so upset this one conversation would turn her child away from sports. She wanted her daughter to share the same lifelong passion and pursuit of a sport that she did. She wanted her daughter to have the great memories and experiences she had. She wanted her daughter to have fun first and worry about “work” later.
She asked me “when do children shift from having fun to being competitive in youth sports?”
We get this question a lot, from parents of children 8-18. Our answer:
They don’t! Fun and Competition are NOT mutually exclusive. Youth Sports should be both!
There is this overwhelming myth in sports that fun and competitiveness cannot coexist. To have one, you cannot have the other, and at some point, we have to choose between whether we are there to have fun in our sports experience or to compete.
This is a patently false myth. From the youth to the professional level, they coexist. Look at some of the world’s greatest athletes and ask yourself “are they having fun”? The Brazilian soccer star Ronaldinho was always seen smiling. Peyton Manning had so much fun he even made commercials poking fun at the ultra-competitive nature of pro sports. Julie Foudy, the World Cup, and Olympic Champion told us on our podcast that there was never a game when she did not start laughing hysterically. The list goes on and on. No one doubts these athlete’s competitiveness. They sure had a lot of fun doing it, though!
Fun and competition do not exist at polar ends of a continuum in youth sports. In fact, fun and competition can actually be the same concept for children. Fun is not about deriving pleasure at all times from an activity. Having fun is more about “enjoyment” of the activity. So what is enjoyment?
The difference between enjoyment and pleasure
Have you ever run a marathon? As we often say at our talks, during mile 20-26 of your marathon, do you experience any pleasure? If you are like most, probably not. You probably had cramps in places you didn’t know you had muscles. But you can still enjoy running. Sports does not always have to be pleasurable; it can be demanding and challenging. Yet this can still be enjoyable, and enjoyment is a critical ingredient.
A while back, we wrote about the 3 critical ingredients of youth sport: enjoyment, autonomy, and intrinsic motivation. The foundation is enjoyment. Enjoyment is about the satisfaction of improving and achieving your goals. It is about being in the moment. Enjoyment also attaches to an experience of autonomy. People who have greater control over their own experiences, tend to naturally enjoy them more. As we have more and more autonomy, we feel more satisfied with the experience and find more joy in it. This ownership gives rise to intrinsic motivation. We do not perform the activity for anyone or anything outside of us but do it for some internal motivation. We enjoy doing it because it is ours to do and control, and it gives us a deep sense of personal satisfaction. Does this mean we will always derive pleasure from the activity? Goodness no.
Many of us will look at a tough practice, a hard-fought loss, or a bad day in the trenches and think children will not stick it out because it did not bring them pleasure. Others believe we will never see that hard-fought game or the grind in the trenches because we are making the game too pleasurable and not making it challenging. Pleasure is not the goal of making sports fun. Enjoyment is the goal. Those activities do bring enjoyment with the right approach.
How adults define fun is not how children define fun
Fun is the main reason children play sports. Every piece of research ever done, every survey ever taken, or every time we ask the children, the primary answer for why they play is fun.
Adults think fun for children is goofing off, not listening, and not being serious. Children don’t define fun this way. In fact, Amanda Visek, in her groundbreaking Fun Maps research, decided to ask children to help her define fun. What she discovered was that children have 81 different determinants for having fun in sports!
How do they define fun?
Fun is working hard. It is being challenged and competing. It is learning a new skill, being with friends, having a coach that cares, getting compliments from coaches, and a coach who respects them. Fun in sports for children means learning from mistakes, working together as a team, applying a skill you learned in practice in a game, improving athletic skills to play at the next level, playing against an evenly matched team, and winning. Fun is getting playing time! Yes, winning is part of the fun for kids. It is not the most important, factor, though, coming in at a lowly 48 out of 81 when the determinants are prioritized.
What we should glean from this short list of fun determinants is that children see many varying things as fun. Their definition of fun is quite encompassing. They really know how to make anything fun! Their definitions of fun incorporate nearly all the facets of youth sport we, as adults, hope it will accomplish for them. If we made sports about fun, following their 81 determinants as a roadmap, it would fulfill their needs and our wishes for children’s sports!
We will create an experience that fully engages children, keeps them playing for a long time, helps them develop vital skills in the game and beyond, and still achieves our adult-imposed goals on the whole thing. That is a win-win for everyone. They would play more, play longer, and play better if we only made it about fun.
Lack of Fun is the number one reason children quit sports
Amanda Visek is now working on the “Not Fun Maps,” because she also discovered children quit sports when they no longer have fun. It is the number one reason they quit, and she wants to know how they define “Not Fun” so we can stop making it not fun. While the research is not yet published, as she shared with us on our podcast with her, most of the “not fun” determinants have to do with adults!
If we force the fun from youth sports, we risk losing the kids completely. If they are not in sports, we miss this chance to use it as the vehicle for life skills, strong values, great role models that we so desperately want for our children. It should be our primary goal to make sports fun, modeled after how kids define it, so we are building amazing people beyond the game.
If youth sports is fun, will children compete less?
Why would enjoying something more ever make you compete less? The secret to competing is creating an environment that allows athletes to go all in without fear. What does this look like:
- An environment that allows for mistakes, and even promotes them
- Positive team dynamics
- Respect and encouragement throughout the team
- Agreed upon values
- A coach willing to give players ownership of the experience
- Last but not least, enjoyment!
This type of environment reflects Visek’s fun determinants, for as you dig deeper kids define fun as competing, being strong and confident, playing hard, setting and achieving goals, being challenged to improve and get better, practicing with specialty trainers, scrimmaging during practice, playing against an evenly matched team, playing in tournaments, and even winning medals and trophies. This list is how we would define competition. This list is all inclusive of everything many coaches argue is lost when we focus on fun, and yet, children are telling us these things are still fun for them.
Wringing the fun out of youth sports won’t make children compete more. It will make them compete less.
How to Make Sports Both Fun and Competitive
If you want to make your sports experience both fun and competitive, try these five things:
- Play games in training, lots of them: if you want people to compete at game speed, make it look like a game. At a minimum, 60-70% of your training should be game based. Add defenders, add constraints if you like, coach through the game, but play and players will compete.
- Focus on values such as fearlessness and accountability: if athletes are not afraid to make mistakes, and are willing to be held accountable when they do not bring the right effort and focus, they will compete harder. This is what the best professional coaches do (see for example Karch Kiraly and USA Volleyball) and you should too.
- Stop yelling at players for technical errors: nothing stops a player competing faster than getting yelled at for every mistake. If they compete with 100% focus and effort and still make a mistake, they are entitled to that. That is called learning.
- Play for something: Let the winners earn something for winning in training. At times, you can even let your athletes decide what the winners get for winning. It might be picking up cones, a quick physical activity, making a rule in the next game, but let the winners actually win something and people will compete.
- Stay on schedule: nothing diminishes competitiveness more than when athletes do not know when practice will end, or an activity will end. You are better off playing in shorter intense practice activities than longer, drawn-out ones. How can you go all out when you don’t know when an activity ends, or if practice ends in 10 minutes or 30? Stick to the schedule so players can monitor their effort and hold nothing back.
- Give them ownership: Whether it is choosing the game, deciding on the practice topic, or “running” halftime, when kids are given ownership, their enjoyment will increase and with it that competitive fire will be stoked because they are competing to prove their ideas correct.
Can sport be both fun and competitive? You bet it can. Actually, it should be. If sport isn’t fun, children quit. And if they quit, we lose the opportunity to impact their lives for decades to come. We miss that chance to change a life. That should scare us more than anything else.
As coaches, our greatest fear should not be losing the game we had a chance to win, it should be losing the children we had a chance to transform.
Make your practices and games a boatload of fun. Add competitive games to your sessions. Find an appropriate level of competition. And let them compete. And when the game ends, move on.
Sport isn’t work.
It’s play. It’s fun..and it’s competitive, but it’s play. Just let the children play, and the children will compete.
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I cried in the car ride home from the game last night. I let you down, I let the team down, I let my parents down, I failed.
You didn’t even have to say a word for me to know how you felt. I know what I did wrong, and your silence was enough to let me know that you knew too.
So we need to talk….I don’t want to play anymore.
I started playing this game because I loved it. I love the speed, the constant motion, the controlled chaos. I love the smell of fresh cut grass, the crispness of an early morning game, and the sound of the ball hitting that net. Oh, that sound. There is no other sound in the universe like it.
I will miss that sound the most. I definitely quit. I wish I could be of value to you. I wish you could see how much I look up to you. I wish you would notice how hard I try for you. You barely see me during training and at games, I seem like more of an annoyance or disappointment.
After my mistake yesterday, I was a ghost.
I tried to show off the new move you taught me. I tried to apply what I learned. I wanted you to see that I had been paying attention in training and that I was willing to risk for you. I wanted so badly to pull that move off, see the joy on your face, see you beaming from ear to ear with pride for me…then you would call out my name and give me this big thumbs up for all to see, and I would get a high five from you when I trotted triumphantly off the field. Just like you do for the good players.
I tried. I failed. I cried.
The moment I missed the ball and that player took it from me, I could already feel your disappointment.
When he dribbled away toward our goal and I fell trying desperately to fix my mistake, I could hear your loud sigh of frustration…again.
None of that hurt as badly as when he scored. I turned to you immediately, hoping just this one time, you would laugh and say, “So unlucky, but you tried the move! I am so proud of you for trying. Mistakes happen, but we grow from them. This will help you grow.”
Instead you screamed my name, stomped your foot, and had Jimmy sub in for me.
As I trudged off the field and past you, you just sat stoicly in your chair, refusing to even acknowledge me. I was a ghost to you.
I guess that parent on the other side was right…I am useless and shouldn’t be playing on this team. So I quit.
Before I leave coach, we need to talk…
We need to talk about how you can fix this for the next kid like me. The one who is unsure of himself. The one who tries everything but messes up, because his body hasn’t synced up with his mind. The one who lacks confidence so it affects his play. The one that always seems to lose the game for us and always gets subbed every time he messes up. You know our names because you scream it out every time we mess up, making us cringe at the sound of our own names now.
We need to talk about 4 things you can do to help the next one…
• Elevate him. Show him that you notice his efforts, even if he fails. That he has a safe place with you to try new things, to grow as a player, and to be vulnerable. Show him that you notice how hard he tries and at the very least, praise him for his work ethic and his courage…things he can control. I know when I mess up, and in fact, I am my own worst critic. You don’t need to remind me of what I did wrong. Oh, and yelling my name across the field makes it worse. Elevate me above that singular moment of failure with some words of hope and belief.
• Empower him. Give him a chance to fix his mistakes. We all make them, and all we want is to make up for it. When he messes up, give him a few minutes to try to make it up to you. If you sub him out immediately, like you did me, he will stop trying, stop risking, stop daring. He will figure out that mistakes equal bench time and his development will end. Empower me with trust and let me try to work through the struggle without immediate punishment.
• Encourage him. Talk to him. For goodness sake, I knew I messed up the moment I did it, you better believe the next guy will too. He is embarrassed for messing up in front of friends and family and for letting down his team. You can help him by talking to him when you do take him out of the game. Acknowledge his existence no matter how frustrated you are. Say something, anything, to him when he walks by you instead of sitting there like a statue of disappointment. If only you would have encouraged me as I walked by that everything was okay and we all mess up sometimes, I would have stayed.
• Enlighten him. You are the coach. You are supposed to be infallible and know how to do it right all the time. He looks up to you and implores you for knowledge. When he messes up is when he needs you to teach him the most. Show him how he can do it next time so he does not mess up. Mistakes are vehicles for learning but only if we are enlightened about what happened and what can go be done to correct it. Saying nothing at all after or even later does not help him grow. If only you would have enlightened me after the game of how I could fix that for the next time. Instead, you told me “never do that in front of the goal” and walked away.
I am too far gone. I hope you can help the next one.
Yours formerly in soccer,
“The disappointment”